If you're in a committed relationship and are considering the next steps you'd like to take on your journey together, the chances are that you already know your partner pretty well. Knowing you want to explore major life milestones by each other's side is evidence in itself that you're sure of the person to whom you are committing and confident in the strength of the bond. However, before making certain decisions – particularly big life-changing ones – it's still important to sit and have honest conversations about where your path is heading, if nothing else but to ensure there's no surprises further down the line.
The decision, for example, to get married could be considered as one full of excitement and joy and mutual appreciation, but if you're not on the same page regarding other elements of life, then it can pose potential hiccups along the way.
We spoke with various relationship experts and therapists who gave their take on the key questions couples should be asking each other before they make major commitments like moving in together or getting engaged. Ultimately, there are many questions to be asked, but breaking it down into six main categories can help tackle the major topics head-on and figure out if you're on the same page.
Family values
The idea of family and what that looks like and what it means to each person in the relationship is a big topic to tackle. It doesn't need to be scary; it just needs to be honest. The questions almost all of the experts I asked said the key question is: "What are your views on parenting?"
It might seem obvious to say, but there's no right or wrong answer here; the key is to just be aligned. Dr Karen Stewart, PsyD, sex and relationship therapist and a recent newlywed this year, told HELLO! that while it might seem intimidating at first, it's imperative to have these conversations early to prevent resentment or the need for conflict resolution further down the line.
"I encourage couples in my therapy practice to talk about these topics in depth, ask provocative questions that get to the heart of what each person wants and address what scares the other person if these feelings come up. I encourage couples to push the limits of their comfort because it's much easier to discuss certain topics prior to them becoming a problem than to try to solve them later in therapy."
Marriage
A similar argument applies to the question of marriage. Although it's a different type of commitment to having children, it's just as important to discuss people's expectations and goals.
Not only should you be asking each other whether you want to get married in the first place, but what are your expectations for the big day? What does marriage mean to you? What values do you hold when it comes to living a married life?
This is because it's not just about the act of getting married itself, but what that means for what your lives will look like in the future. As Sienna Forest, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, put it: "Before making a big commitment like moving in together, getting engaged, or married, I think it is vital to explore how you each show up in moments of vulnerability, stress, and repair in your relationship."
She added: "In my work with couples, I help partners to ask questions that deepen both emotional and nervous system awareness (especially awareness of potential triggers), such as: 'What does safety and comfort look like for each of us in a shared space?' or 'How do we each tend to respond when we feel misunderstood or hurt? Do we shut down, get defensive, or lash out? And what helps us feel safe enough to reach back toward connection in those moments?'"
Conflict resolution
This leads on to the next topic: conflict resolution. While the idea of staying in the honeymoon phase forever is all well and good, it's not realistic. Instead, the experts advise being aware of how your partner handles conflict or stress before it actually happens, with the intention to mitigate any blow-ups or irreparable damage.
Sofie Roos, licensed relationship therapist at Passionerad, told HELLO!: "You must talk about conflicts. What happens when you're clashing? Think about how you act when you're angry and how you prefer to communicate.
"By bringing up and assessing the way you act when in conflict before it happens, you can tackle the situation or any miscommunication styles before you're in the heat of the moment."
Finances
We live in a society that finds it taboo to talk about money openly. But if a couple are going to be living together, whether that's paying for a mortgage or a monthly rent, then sitting down and agreeing on finances is important.
Questions you should be asking include: Will we have joint or separate bank accounts? Will we split all bills (food, rent, electricity, council tax etc.) by half, or proportionate to income? Every situation will vary, and it'll largely depend on your own personal preferences, but it's a conversation to be had, nonetheless.
Sofie Roos adds: "Talking about money is also important, however unsexy it might sound, because it's one of the most common reasons for splitting up. Talk about your relationship to savings and spending. Are you a spender or a saver? And, should you have a shared or split economy?"
Household labour
Dr Karen Stewart advises that when thinking about chores and everyday labour, it's important to consider preconceived ideas of who should do what around the house. "Couples should ask: "Do they have any certain gender roles/norms that they expect in the relationship?"
The experts seemed to agree that a lot of this is shaped by our own experiences growing up. Jordan Grenadier Murphy, Founder at The Couples Coach, says as an example: "You should question what preconceived ideas the couple has about what role we each play in the home? An example of this would be my dad always took care of the yard, so in the back of my head, the man is responsible for that chore."
The details are, again, subjective; it's just about being on the same page. And it's not just about keeping the house clean, it's also important to ask questions about working towards an income versus working in the home/rearing children, suggests Ellie Baker, relationship expert and founder of Ember.
Question yourself
Ellie adds that couples should also consider asking themselves questions before setting expectations. "They should ask questions such as 'How do I feel about me time vs us time? How much me time do I need? What does quality 'us' time look like?"
If moving into someone else's home, then think about what you'd need from them before communicating. "How do they see it now that they're living together? Is it their shared home? What would make the person moving in feel like it's theirs too?
"What can the person already living there do to give them a sense of belonging and comfort in their previously solo space?"
As Dr Karen Stewart also puts it: "For me personally as a newlywed, my husband and I had very intimate talks quite early in our relationship, sharing our intentions to spend our lives together, discussing our personal views on marriage, family planning, goals, dreams and what kind of life we would like to live together.
"We openly discussed what we wanted, needed, and were hoping for in our personal futures, and of course what we wanted together. And yes, I asked my fiancé all of these questions, and plenty more. When some of our answers did not align, we both pushed ourselves through the discomfort to get to know each other and to see what compromises can be made to build a future together."