Has the dating scene ever not been complicated? There's a reason why the ups and downs of relationships have formed the basis of some of the most iconic forms of media and literature throughout our time. Whether it's the work of Jane Austen, Carrie Bradshaw and co.'s shenanigans in Sex and the City, or Beyoncé's Lemonade, love is the ultimate muse and a fundamental part of human connection.
The adage goes that the early stages of a relationship are like one long dreamy honeymoon, but listen to any chart-topping podcast or read any book on this subject, and it'll tell you that the first few weeks or months are also a crucial time to lay down expectations and set boundaries.
It's also the time to wade through red flags that often pop up in a relationship's infancy. Excitement and, what's that buzzword? Oh yes, 'limerence' can cloud our judgement on what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't (been there). It's good sense, therefore, to be aware, so you can avoid heartbreak, trauma, and an endless cycle of "situationships".
And while I feel somewhat equipped to write an anthology on this subject (I'm only half joking), it'll be far more useful to turn to some experts in this field.
© Getty ImagesLove bombing
Love bombing is another buzz phrase that dominates discussions on modern-day dating, particularly online, and it's a serious topic since it's considered a form of emotional abuse. Solace Women's Aid defines love bombing as: "Love bombing is where an abusive partner is bombarding 'love' onto their victim and is part of emotional abuse and coercive control.
"It could include excessive affection, excessive compliments, declarations of love, gifts and praise. It may also be wanting to move quickly into a commitment because they 'can't live without you', showering of gifts or lavish treatment, and promises of a perfect life together."
It's a complicated topic and not one that can explain every single situation. Solace Women's Aid says: "Listen to yourself and ask yourself some questions about your relationship – if things feel 'off' then try talking about it with someone you trust. If you want to get some advice and help, there are many support services available. Solace Advice Line – 0808 802 5565."
Bad mouthing an ex
It's not always realistic to end a relationship on good terms, and it's natural, to some extent, to hold some negative feelings towards a person you were previously involved with, especially if you feel that you were wronged or the break-up was acrimonious.
However, there comes a point where letting go is necessary if you're going to get involved with someone new. If you ask me, take as long as you need to nurture that grudge, but tell yourself that while you're in that phase, you're simply not emotionally ready to start dating someone new. So, if you're getting involved with someone new and all they're doing is going on about their ex, then consider it a red flag – they're clearly not ready, and you'll be the one to suffer the fallout from that.
Rebound syndrome
Speaking of which, it can be tricky to navigate how long people should leave it before jumping into a new relationship. Everyone is different, and some take longer to move on than others, but just beware of someone on the rebound. There isn't anything inherently wrong with dating on the rebound, but the key is being up front about it. If someone tells you they're not looking for something serious, believe them. And if people aren't truthful about what they're looking for, then we're in red flag territory.
Nicky Wake, Founder of the dating apps Chapter2Dating, Widows Fire Dating and Sober Love, agrees: "If someone is fresh out of a messy divorce, split or very recently widowed, definitely proceed with caution, as humans we need time to process a loss or break up and are unlikely to be ready emotionally for any serious involvement."
© Getty ImagesLack of basic communication
Let's face it, basic communication is the bare minimum, but not everyone communicates effectively. This goes for talking but also listening.
Sofie Roos, licensed sexologist and relationship therapist at Passionerad, says: "If you notice that the person interrupts you, doesn't listen to what you've been saying or acts overall uninterested about your thoughts and opinions, it's a thing to take seriously! Communication is the foundation to build a good relationship on, and if you already feel overrun and not listened to, it won't get better with time."
Conflict avoidance
In a similar vein, if someone avoids conflict-solving or difficult conversations altogether, then it's something to be wary of. It's not the arguments themselves that are worrisome, but the fall out and how they treat you is key. If someone loses their temper quickly or calls you names, or gives you the silent treatment – even if it's a 'treat them mean, keep them keen' tactic, then proceed with caution.
Claire Rénier, dating expert at happn, also shares insight into this theory: "Treat them mean, keep them keen’: Usually offered as advice among friends or to justify not replying to texts, cancelling plans or acting distant to keep someone hooked." Why it can be a red flag: These tactics can encourage emotional manipulation, game-playing and avoidant attachment - often making the daters feel anxious or insecure.
© Getty Images/iStockphotoEmotional dysregulation
Reacting harshly or violently in times of conflict is also a sign of someone who can't regulate their emotions. Ultimately, being able to regulate your emotions is a form of emotional intelligence and maturity. And it's crucial to be wary of more extreme outbursts, as no one should feel they're at risk. Nicky Wake added: "Before embarking on any relationship, you need to ensure a potential partner has a degree of emotional intelligence, do they listen, do they have empathy, do they ask questions, do they respond to questions with thoughtful and appropriate answers, can you engage in meaningful and deep conversations?"
Should you always walk away?
The answer is complicated because, ultimately, each situation and relationship is different. If you consider the behaviour a glaring red flag, listen to your intuition and cut it off now to save further heartbreak down the line. Most importantly, you should never ignore the more serious red flags that put your physical or emotional wellness at risk.
However, as Sofie explains: "A red flag doesn't mean that everything is over, because many times it stems from immaturity, old patterns or communication problems, meaning that there's no harm intended, which also means that there's often a high possibility to change for the better. But these red flags can say a lot about how your relationship will unfold if you keep seeing each other, and by looking out for these, you can protect yourself."
