At 48, I am childfree by choice – I’ll never be able to say I’m a mum or relate to the discussions all my mum friends or colleagues have about ‘the juggle’ or stresses of raising kids. And that’s a choice I’ve actively made – just like Jane Fallon, who spoke about her experience on the Second Act podcast.
But I do have a title I am fiercely proud of, a parenting duty of sorts that I take very seriously, too. I’m a PANK – a ‘Professional Aunt, No Kids’. Just like Fallon, I am that adult in the lives of my nephews and nieces (both on my side of the family and my husband’s) who plays the role of ‘not parent’ but still someone to guide and influence the young people around her.
I am Aunty to Nancy, 13, and Cole, 10, through my brother and sister. Then, when I met my husband in 2016, I ‘inherited’ two more nieces and a nephew. At the time they were all teenagers and are now young adults. Suddenly I had a baby nephew, a pre-teen and three late teenagers in my life. I revelled in being able to hang out with them, buy them presents and hopefully serve as a confidante as they get older and go through university and beyond. The thrill of new ‘niblings’, as many call nieces and nephews, was joyful to me.
For me, this extends to my friends' children, too. I see myself as a role model, and confidante if needed. There to show a different way of 'growing up', as someone who married later in life (I got married just shy of 45).
Fur babies
Fallon told the Second Act podcast that she chose to have a dog instead of children – I’m the same, and have two dogs, a Labrador and a Whippet, my ‘babies’. But slight joking aside, I also relate to Fallon’s experience of feeling she would be too anxious to be a mother. I’ve struggled with my mental health through my life and when it came to having children I wondered if my anxiety would ‘transfer’ to kids. Fallon said: “I just thought I'll be a better auntie and kind of auntie to my friends' kids than being a mother. I just don’t think I'd be very good at it because I thought I'd be too anxious.”
I hope that by sharing about anxiety, or the realities of my experiences in life and mental health challenges, it adds another layer to Auntyhood and the example I set.
Being an auntie is often joked about - there was a recent trend on Instagram to get kids to pretend to unlock their auntie's phone by holding up a glass of wine to trigger the facial recognition. I take offence at that – it’s a serious role for me.
There is also the flip side - as Aunt, you aren't a mum, of course. So, you can be the slightly ‘naughty one’, spoiling them with treats you know a parent might say no to, or messing about or playing silly games without the power dynamic of parent and child.
It can be strange, at 48, to say you’re not a mum, and for me, referring to aunty life is a good way to balance that. When friends speak about their teenagers, I can refer to something I might have experienced with my niece, for example.
I also find that my ‘niblings’ spur me on to be more adventurous. For example, my niece Nancy is a keen snowboarder and when we were on the slopes together in March, I completed more red runs than I’d have done without her. I wanted to show her Aunty Jenny is daring and brave!
I hope I am what Sophie Bruce, psychologist and founder of the modern load app for parents, MOLO, calls a ‘safe harbour’, a person that the young people in my orbit can come to if they need to, or use as a sounding board.
Undervalued role
She told me: "The modern family is not a nuclear unit with a mum, a dad, and 2.4 children. It is a system. And like any high-performing system, it works best when there are multiple strong contributors playing different roles. The PANK is one of the most undervalued roles in that system.
“Children build their understanding of who they can become by the adults around them. A professional aunt who has built a career, travelled, made her own choices, and invested in her own identity offers something a parent simply cannot: perspective from outside the daily grind. She is not the person managing the school run or negotiating over homework. She is the person who shows up with full presence, genuine curiosity, and a completely different lens on the world. That is extraordinarily powerful for a child. It says: there are many ways to build a life. There are many ways to be a woman.”
“Emotionally, the PANK often becomes a safe harbour. Children and teenagers need adults they can talk to who are not their parents, people invested enough to care but removed enough not to panic. That relationship, when nurtured, becomes one of the most significant of a child's life. And for the family system as a whole? A committed, present aunt redistributes the emotional load. She is a co-investor in the next generation. That is a role worth celebrating far more than we do."
So, if you’re an Aunty and wondering if you have a role to play, I say ‘yes!’ you very much do – and it is one of the most important ones in the family dynamic.
