When it comes to dating at 58, singer Anastacia says she isn’t entirely ‘Outta love’ but she is definitely more selective with who she spends time with.
And while most of us don’t share the same level of boujee check list as the singer (although who wouldn’t say no to a private jet?) most women on the dating scene in midlife agree.
There is something that happens in midlife dating where we stop being grateful and start defining what it actually is we want, or need out of a relationship. There is no longer the societal expectation to settle down, get married and have children - often we’ve already been on that merry-go-round and are looking for fun elsewhere.
And that isn’t to say women are being ‘picky’ says Annabelle Knight, a relationship coach and author of The Matchmakers Match. “It’s about being more selective in what you want from a relationship at this age. Your partner should be the cherry on top of the cake - not the whole cake.”
Anastacia, who embarks on a UK tour this month, says finding the person who would fit her global jet setting lifestyle is nigh on impossible, “I would date a plumber or an electrician, but I would never be there. I'm not a great partner if I'm falling in love with somebody who owns his plumbing company.
“I'd be like, I'll see you in three months. That’s not really the way you want to have a partner in your second chapter.
“I still believe in love, and I'm open to it. If somebody says he has a lot of love, has had all the kids and has a plane - then I'm yours.”
However having built a big life for herself full of friends, work and passions, she is totally fine with living the single life.
“I do date, but not frequently. It's much harder the older I get my list on what I will compromise gets smaller. You tolerate less nonsense the older you get, and that’s in work, friendships too,” the singer tells Ateh Jewel in this week’s Second Act podcast.
© Getty ImagesBarriers or Boundaries?
Annabelle says single women can sometimes come in for a lot of unjustified flack from their family and friends. When they don’t jump into a relationship with someone after one or two dates, they can been seen to putting barriers in their way. But that is not necessarily true.
“People think women are rejecting too soon and not giving someone a chance. But what they are actually doing is asking themselves can I make this work and do I really want this? “If it’s no, they are actually being confident enough to say this is a waste of time for me.
“If you are dating with intention you want to meet a partner in real time with a real connection and that means be selective with who you are spending time with.
“The difference between boundaries and walls can sometimes be confused. I’ve spoken to many women whose parents or friends say you are putting up walls. No, they are using boundaries as a sieve to filter out people who don’t respect them.
“But don’t confuse the two and have walls up and state they are boundaries. Understanding yourself is really important, it is hard to express needs and desires in a really authentic way, particularly when we are younger and don’t know ourselves well enough. But that is where you can have a great relationship.”
Cherry on top
As Anastacia says in the podcast, she is perfectly happy flying solo after spending some time working on what makes her feel good, and what she needs to nourish her, rather than relying on someone else to complete her.
“I love my company. I make myself laugh. I'm fine with just being in my company, but I do believe that also is maturity, experience, you know, life and finding your own groove. Once you really do figure that out as a woman, even a girl, you're better off because you're not trying to fit a mould to someone else.”
“It’s about being with someone who is going to complement your life rather than change it," agrees Annabelle. "In your twenties it’s different, you are just starting out. Now our world is already built with career and friends and all those life experiences you have possibly been through with someone else or done on your own that have solidified you as a person.
“It is a fallacy that modern women are harder to please, it is more the case of being less willing to organise their entire lives around a partner when sharing a life with someone is not seen as a compulsory milestone any more.
“You have experienced your starter, main course and maybe even dessert - the table is already fun, at this point you are just looking for the delicious truffle with your coffee.”
Listen to the Second Act podcast, now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Podcasts and Youtube.
