Watching Harriet Sperling in her wedding dress I felt a pang of nostalgia and a wave of understanding, as well as a rush of joy. There was a woman, in midlife, showing up unapologetically in the dress of her dreams. White, with lace and a full veil, she had obviously decided to go ‘all out’ on the outfit, the bridesmaids and the event.
My knowing smile as I scanned all the photos online was because I too was a ‘midlife bride’, marrying just two weeks before my 45th birthday. And I too went to what some might call extremes, with a statement dress and veil, and even leopard print shoes (and hand-painted Converse for the evening!).
Should I have been demure and understated? Many think so - on Instagram posts by major news outlets about Sperling’s nuptials to Peter Phillips, comments included things like: ‘Full on bridal veil and three girls in bridal white. Like a young woman getting married’ and ‘Why is she wearing white? She’s 48, divorced, with almost adult children’. (For the record, Harriet is 45!)
While mine was my first marriage and I don’t have kids (by choice), and Sperling’s is her second marriage, I still know the ‘can I really be flamboyant?’ feelings of being a midlife bride.
I still wondered for a moment when I was dress shopping if I should play it ‘safe’ and go for a trouser suit or a low-key dress. In fact, I went to the shop to just look at dresses, to just be there, to see how it felt being in a boutique where I wondered if I belonged when I was past my ‘prime’.
But when it came to that moment, I suddenly realised just what I wanted. That’s the joy of being a midlife bride – you know your style, your ideas and you’re not afraid to say them. I told the owner I wanted a dress that was ‘the love child of Lady Diana and Carrie Bradshaw’. Yes, I’d have had Westwood if I’d had Sperling’s budget!
Standing in the bridal boutique, I put my hands into the pockets of the huge dress I was wearing, swayed from side to side and grinned. It was perfect. And it was huge.
With a long train and a cathedral veil I knew it was ‘the one’. But should I really have been trying on such a dress at (gasps) 43? By the time I walked down the aisle in the ‘dress of wonder’, I was two weeks’ shy of being 45. Just like Harriet Sperling.
Marrying at 45, you should surely be demure, low-key, understated, right? My approach is a firm no – in fact, this is your chance to really go for it!
It didn’t stop at the outfit. We hired a Bentley, had a huge guest list, a church wedding and a Cotswolds barn reception, with a live band and 120 guests in the evening. Our dogs even came to the church! It was our day, our choices, and as a midlife couple, making those choices felt liberating.
At first, I wondered if we should go for a quiet wedding – small and understated. Could I really don a dress, veil and walk to the bridal march? Would I be Mutton Dressed as Lamb? I worried I’d look like someone who was determined to have her ‘princess moment’, like a little girl. But then I realised – why shouldn’t I? Surely I deserved it all the more because I had waited for my happy ending, my Mr Right?
You see, I'd dated for a long time. I'd written about it - lived it in the press, including a column in a national newspaper and a novel, both called Boyfriend by Christmas. I also had therapy to cope with the feelings I had around being single. While I wrote about my dating exploits, I was hurting inside, and when I finally did meet my now-husband, I wondered if I should just be grateful that I had found him. But then, as we talked about the wedding plans, I realised that it was the opposite: It was time to celebrate, to shout from the rooftops.
But I had longed so hard to meet someone and have my big day that I leaned hard into 'midlife bride'. And I imagine Harriet was the same – taking her chance to shine and doing things her way.
© Getty ImagesFor me, waiting to be a bride until my 40s meant I wanted to go even more all-out than I might have done in my 20s. Surely this stage in life was about being true to me – and my midlife body. It’s our chance to shine, not hide away in shame.
Being a midlife bride was really liberating, and I imagine Harriet Sperling felt the same. It’s a chance to showcase your style and decision making – after all, if you can’t do things your way at 45, when can you? So if you’re a midlife bride in waiting, take it from me (and Harriet) – do things your way, no apologies.
