Billie Lourd shared an unflinchingly honest tribute to her late mother, Carrie Fisher, admitting that birthdays bring feelings of anger and sadness alongside the love.
Marking what would have been the Star Wars actress's 70th birthday on October 21, Billie posted a photograph of Carrie blowing out birthday candles, with her daughter smiling behind her.
"Today would have been my Momby's 70th birthday. Which feels way too young an age to be dead for almost 10 years," she wrote. "She should have been alive for at least 10 more years - not dead for 10."
© InstagramThe last birthday they celebrated together was Carrie's 60th, just two months before her death. "I wish I would've known it was her last but you never know a last is a last," Billie continued.
For the actress, the occasion is more difficult than the anniversary of her mother's death because it carries an expectation of happiness.
"So I didn't wake up happy today. I woke up feeling really angry that she wasn't able to get sober so she could be here with us to receive the happy in happy birthday."
© Getty ImagesBillie Lourd remembers the comfort of being with Carrie Fisher
Billie explained that she allows herself to acknowledge that anger before making room for the other emotions that follow.
"The next feeling that showed up to the emotional party was a guest who is sure to show up every year - my girl Sadness," she wrote. "She always tends to be hiding right behind her old friend Anger."
She remembered the comfort her mother could bring: "Being with my momby when she was at her best felt like home. A warm hug you never want to pull away from."
© Getty ImagesNow a mother herself, Billie shares son Kingston and daughter Jackson with husband Austen Rydell.
Although she grieves the experiences her children cannot have with Carrie, she described creating her own version of that warmth for them.
"It wouldn't exist if she didn't exist. And I'm so beyond happy she existed. Happy 70th Momby. I love you forever."
© Corbis via Getty ImagesCarrie Fisher's death and Billie's message to grieving families
Carrie died on December 27, 2016, aged 60, four days after suffering a cardiac arrest during a flight from London to Los Angeles. Her mother, Debbie Reynolds, died the following day.
The Los Angeles County medical examiner identified sleep apnea and other undetermined factors in Carrie's death, also noting heart disease and drug use. The significance of the drugs could not be established, and the manner of death remained undetermined.
Billie ended her birthday tribute by reaching out to others navigating similarly complicated losses.
"Thinking about anyone else who has lost someone they loved to drug addiction or anyone who has lost someone they had a multifaceted relationship with," she wrote.
"May you allow all of the emotional guests to attend the emotional party - anger, sadness, frustration, joy, numbness, warmth, (insert emotion here). You are not alone."
