"Dear Mariella, do you have any tips for building self-confidence and resilience as a middle aged recently divorced woman? So far, I've only met men who are after one thing…"
I have a number of friends in their fifties and sixties who are single, or single again. Often this is by choice, but whether on purpose or through necessity, frequently a solo midlife was not in their game plan.
Annoyingly, middle-aged men seem to partner up pretty swiftly - and in direct opposition to the effort they put in to remain healthy and attractive. Plus, they inevitably carry more baggage than a travelling circus (as do we).
Yet mature single men (and I am generalising) appear imbued with quite extraordinary self-confidence. As the patriarchy is still in charge, I suppose that much of this is because they've always been told that they are marvellous. Women don't often have this innate self-love – and cultivating this is my first piece of advice for dating in midlife.
1. Practice self-love
Personally, I believe that you need to be happy on your own before you can be happy with a partner. I don't mean happiness gained through losing weight or getting highlights - though feel free to work on the outside bits. It's about inner confidence and recognising your many attributes.
World-renowned psychologist Marisa Peer agrees. She recommends that you don't focus on numbers; waist size, age and bank account sort of thing. You are not a tax return. Rather, approximate what you are offering the world. You have a career, children, friends, and you are kind and fun. The more you see yourself as valuable, the more you will value yourself, and you are undoubtedly worth far more than you realise. I agree that confidence is the most attractive trait anyone can have (not to be confused with arrogance).
2. Think about what you want
And then assess what YOU want from a relationship. Do you want sex? I know many middle-aged women who are quite literally girding their loins and excitedly going forth after years of indifferent sex or zero satisfaction. Do you want companionship, someone with whom to travel, to watch films, to go for meals? Be clear, in order to weed out the wastrels.
3. Be cautious on dating apps
I'm not sure where you're searching but dating apps – I gather – generally yield little in the way of men looking for a BFF with whom to watch telly and go for long walks. They are richly populated with men claiming to be one thing and turning out to be quite another. I have a few friends who regularly and bitterly regale me with their lack of success, even on the most expensive and exclusive of apps.
Marisa Peer suggests that if you are finding yourself the recipient of unwanted anatomical photos rather than compliments, you might be looking for love in the wrong places. She agrees that many dating apps appear riddled with men looking for one-night stands.
4. Go hobby-centric
Find outlets that interest you, such as running clubs, gyms, volunteering at animal shelters… You are at least likely to make friends with shared interests. And if you are interested, you are interesting, and thus more attractive.
In fact, I met my own husband at 40 on a charity trek in the Himalayas, so getting out of our comfort zone is well worth the effort!