Dear Mariella, My new partner wants to spend all his free time with me. On the one hand, it's flattering. But on the other hand, I've learned to love my own space after an unhappy marriage. How do I ensure we both stay happy?
It’s wonderful to find new love, and someone you enjoy spending time with but, as you point out, in maturity we have our own lives and there’s no reason to sacrifice one for the other. The reason that later life relationships can be so fulfilling is that you’ve learnt important lessons, and one of them is that doing things alone isn’t a punishment but a pleasurable way of getting the most out of life.
Love and togetherness are not necessarily the same thing, and wanting space isn’t the enemy of romantic bliss. I’ve been married for twenty-three years, and happy as we are, I can assure you that one of my biggest treats is an evening at home or out with friends while my husband pursues his own interests.
Although your partner’s attention may be framed as flattery, it sounds as though you’re starting to feel crowded. And it also sounds as though you’ve learned that what YOU want in a relationship matters. I advise acting now before flattering becomes suffocating.
First of all, communicate
Reassure him that you enjoy spending time together. But maybe explain that one of the reasons you're able to appreciate this relationship so much is because you've built a life that feels happy and balanced, and he is a pleasurable addition but not an alternative.
Most emotionally secure people understand that wanting occasional solitude is very different from wanting less of them. Be clear about your boundaries. There’s every chance he’ll be understanding rather than offended. If he isn’t, then that’s certainly food for thought.
Be specific
Don’t directly time-table him - that might seem rather controlling! But it might help to be clear about your availability. Perhaps you are free one or two nights at the weekend and once or twice during the week. That allows time to enjoy each other’s company and preserves space for your own interests and friends.
You don’t say if you work - I suspect it’s harder to navigate relationshiops in retirement, when there is less natural structure. I know that now my children have left school, I find that weekends blend into the weeks. You may wish to be less prescriptive.
Whilst it’s lovely when a partner wants to share hobbies and social life, he doesn’t need to become an essential accessory to your normal routines.
See his point of view
It’s wonderful that he thinks you’re special. This can be liberating after a relationship that went wrong; we often find ourselves feeling rather diminished. (Don't mistake gratitude for compatibility).
Equally, he needs to feel that there is a degree of commitment at your end. I don’t mean moving in together or discussing ‘the future’, but when you are doing things together don’t squander it scrolling your friends’ Instagram feeds!
Remember that absence is healthy
One of the essential ingredients of happy and long-term relationships is the mutual respect born out of seeing each other as individuals with differing needs and pursuits. It means that you can better enjoy time together and it keeps things fresh and meaningful.
But you are not responsible for his happiness
Your new partner needs to feel heard and appreciated. But you are not responsible for managing his happiness. It’s also down to him to build a relationship that has boundaries you are both happy with.
What’s more, as you’ve probably learned, there is more than one person for everyone. If - ultimately - you aren’t happy, then focus on your wants and needs. They may or may not include him.
