Communication is key, right? A simple piece of advice that has been dished out by therapists throughout the ages, however, for many people, it's not as easy as it seems. Conflict is inevitable in a relationship. Two people with different minds aren't always going to see eye to eye, but it's how we react and deal with these situations that defines the longevity and tone of romantic partnerships. Nail the communication, and a couple is almost guaranteed to last a lot longer than those who struggle to get through to one another when tensions are heightened. If you're someone who struggles to effectively communicate with your partner, there are a few tips and techniques that might make the process a bit easier. HELLO! spoke to a number of therapists and relationship experts to understand how we can all become masters in communication, one conversation at a time.
Why communication breaks down
Communication breakdowns can happen even in the most secure relationships, and they're often sparked by surprisingly innocent habits. One of the biggest culprits is mind-reading, that moment when we expect someone to magically know what we’re thinking, only to feel disappointed when they evidently don’t. Couple that feeling of being let down with a defensive reaction or two, and suddenly, what could have been a simple chat turns into a communication nightmare.
Avoiding conflict might seem like the least chaotic, smart choice; however, those unspoken worries have a way of bubbling towards the surface at a later date. As a relationship and subconscious coach, and author of The Bible of Love: How to Stop Fcking Yourself Over and Start Making Love - to Yourself, to Her, and to Life*, Marina Lazaris explained to HELLO!: "Communication breaks down when people don’t fully understand themselves - their wounds, their triggers, and their emotional patterns. Instead of understanding one another, they begin projecting their own pain onto the other person."
She continued: "Maybe they grew up not feeling heard, or they’ve never felt safe expressing themselves without being criticised. Maybe they’re not used to having their needs met, or they fear that being open and honest will cause rejection or conflict. So instead of expressing themselves, they withdraw. Couples often fail to listen to each other because they’re not being open and honest - not just with their partner, but with themselves."
Learn to listen - not just hear
Active listening means more than just simply staying quiet. It’s about truly understanding what someone is saying and appreciating how they are feeling. In reality, it looks like eye contact, giving the other person your undivided attention, and mirroring back what your partner says before responding to show them that you are understanding their point of view.
"Active listening is exactly what it sounds like: listening actively rather than planning your reply while your partner is still talking. It’s about being present, curious, and genuinely trying to understand their perspective," relationship and life coach Lisa McFarland outlined. She added: "It can sound like this: 'Okay, what I heard you say was…' 'Am I understanding you right?' 'If I’m not hearing you correctly, please tell me again. I really want to get this.' When we listen like this, our partner feels seen and safe, and emotional safety is the foundation of healthy communication. It shows that we’re not in competition. We’re on the same team."
© Getty ImagesWatch your tone and timing
Sana Khwaja, BACP-qualified therapist from BetterHelp, notes that: "How and when you raise an issue can determine whether the conversation brings you closer or drives you apart. If your partner’s had a stressful day, or emotions are already high, even small issues can feel magnified." Watching the timing and tone of your voice is extremely vital when attempting to navigate effective communication in a relationship.
The expert went on to share her tips for knowing when and what to say to a partner you're experiencing an issue with. Sana revealed: "Checking in with a simple 'Is now a good time to talk?' shows respect for your partner's boundaries and also carves out time to discuss the issue before it builds. In therapy, we see… emotional 'overflow', where one partner talks at length or lashes out, and the other shuts down. If this happens, it’s better to pause rather than push through. Taking 20 minutes apart, focusing on slow breathing or a short walk, allows the nervous system to reset so the conversation can resume more constructively."
Express needs clearly, without blame
Communicating your needs works best when you focus on your feelings rather than pointing fingers. Instead of using phrases like, 'You never listen,' try framing it as, 'I feel unheard when I’m interrupted,' instead. This approach keeps the conversation about your experience, not your partner’s faults, reducing the chance of them reacting with defensiveness that could lead to a longer argument.
Leigh Norén, a sex and relationship therapist with a Master of Science in Sexology, suggested: "To get your point across and bring up something that's bothering you, always use 'I' statements. Eg. 'I've noticed I feel sad when we're watching a movie and we sit far apart on the sofa, because closeness makes me feel more connected to you'."
She continued, "Think about your body language. Communication isn't only verbal; in fact, most of it is non-verbal: facial cues, tone of voice, and how your body is angled. While it may be tempting to roll your eyes during an argument, cross your chest with your arms, or look at your phone instead, all of this tends to increase stress and disconnection."
© Getty ImagesRepair and reconnect after conflict
Even the strongest relationships experience rocky patches or periods where it feels like there's one too many disagreements happening, but how couples navigate through them can make all the difference. Repairing the relationship after an argument is just as important as communicating your needs and wants as it helps both parties to move forward without any lingering tension. Attempts at repair can include offering a genuine apology, a reassuring touch, or simply acknowledging your partner’s feelings.
What are the 3-3-3 and 5 5 5 rules in a relationship?
Marina explained: "Traditionally, these rules refer to spending small, intentional moments together - 3 minutes or 5 minutes at a time - to stay emotionally connected." She has developed her own version of this rule idea that she has seen the most success with. In Marina's version, the rules focus on the spiritual elements of a relationship and go as follows:
The Daily "3-3-3" Rule:
- First three minutes: Wake up and feel gratitude for your life, your day, and your partner.
- Next three minutes: Look your partner in the eyes, thank them, and ask, "Do you choose me today?" to invite daily recommitment.
- Final three minutes: Pray or set a joint intention for the day. Ask, "What’s one thing we can create together today that would feel amazing?"
The Weekly "5-5-5" Rule:
- Five minutes: Be completely open and honest with yourself about where you are in the relationship.
- Five minutes: Be open and honest with your partner—without judgment, just curiosity and truth.
- Five minutes: Surprise each other with a spark of play or novelty (e.g., their favourite chocolate, a note, a new activity).
© Getty ImagesWhen to seek help
Relationships, while rewarding, are not always easy to navigate, and sometimes an outside perspective can provide insight that you and your partner are struggling to find. Seeking help from a couples therapist or communication workshop is totally normal and can be the difference between a breakup and a makeup.
Sana said, "The healthiest relationships are often those that seek support early. In sessions, we see many couples who are doing well overall but want a neutral space to air small frustrations before they grow. Therapy isn’t about 'fixing' a failing relationship; it’s about strengthening communication and teamwork. What we often see is couples collaboratively coming to resolutions together, and we as therapists act as guides to help them find the right solutions that work for them."
