Love bombing is a term we've all heard time and time again. Whether it's a podcast host recounting their experience of a toxic relationship or a reality TV star sharing their feelings in a diary room somewhere hot and sunny, the phrase has been well and truly tired out by popular culture.
But what does it actually mean, and how can you tell if you are being love-bombed or pursued by a healthy individual who may be innocently overzealous? When is receiving words of praise and an abundance of gifts a loving gesture, and when is it a warning sign of darker things to come?
I, for one, have definitely experienced love bombing to an extent and understand exactly how it can be mistaken for the pure intentions of someone who just really, really likes you.
To gain clarity, both for myself and HELLO!'s readers, I asked the experts how to spot a love bomber and what to do if you catch one.
What is love bombing?
Dating back to the 1970s, the term "love bombing" was actually coined by members of the Unification Church of the United States, whose followers are otherwise known as the 'Moonies'.
It was then thrown into the realm of psychology when Professor Margaret Singer included the phrase in her 1996 book Cults in Our Midst, to explain the intentional outpouring of flattery and attention deployed by members to attract new recruits.
Since that first mention, it has been adopted by present-day psychologists and therapists to explain a more sinister type of behaviour exhibited by certain people in the early stages of dating.
Sofie Roos, a relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, defined love bombing to HELLO! as "a form of manipulation where a person uses excessive appreciation, a high intensity of romantic gestures and gives you tons of attention to quickly make you emotionally attached to them, this while these acts don't stem from genuine love, but from wanting to control you!"
Some traits of a love bomber include:
- Constant communication via texts, phone calls and social media
- Excessive praise and flattery
- Speaking about the distant future and making intense plans early on in the relationship
- Bombardment with unsolicited gifts and flowers
© Getty ImagesHave I fallen victim to it?
Figuring out whether or not a potential partner is love bombing you can be difficult to understand, but focusing on patterns of behaviour might help.
Watching out for early signs and acknowledging how you feel when you are interacting with the person is vital in deciding whether or not your potential partner is being authentic or luring you into a false sense of security to get what they want.
Internationally recognised relationship coach and hypnotherapist Lorin Krenn said: "The simplest way to know is to look at the pace and the imbalance. If someone is idealising you after a very limited time, speaking in absolutes, creating fantasies of a future you have not built together, or pressuring you to open your heart before trust has been established, that is love bombing."
He continued: "The keyword is pressure. There are happy couples who marry quickly and couples who choose a slower pace. Both are fine when there is no pressure. Pressure is the signal.
"If your body feels both flattered and unsettled at the same time, take note. When someone’s declarations feel disproportionate to the reality of the connection, when they speak to a fantasy version of you rather than the real you, or when their tone shifts the moment you set a boundary, you are likely being love bombed.
"Healthy attraction feels grounded. You do not feel rushed. You feel safe to take your time."
Why do people love bomb?
There are a variety of reasons people might engage in behaviour that could be deemed love bombing, including fear of abandonment, insecurity and a lack of healing.
It is also true that sometimes love bombing might be an unconscious action carried out by someone who struggles to understand how to engage in a romantic partnership and who finds intimacy challenging.
Lorin added: "People love bomb for three main reasons. The first is insecurity. They fear abandonment and try to secure a connection through intensity because they do not know how to build intimacy slowly.
"The second is control. For some people, love bombing is a conscious or unconscious tactic to create dependency so they can influence the dynamic. The third is emotional immaturity. They confuse strong feelings with genuine love and are unable to regulate their desire for closeness."
Expert Sofie agreed and said: "People with narcissistic traits, control needs, or an ambivalent attachment style are more able to love bomb someone, either on purpose or unconsciously.
"That said, it doesn't need to stem from pure evil, but can be a learned pattern they don’t understand is hurting."
© Getty ImagesWhat to do if you see red flags
If you think someone is taking advantage of you and trying to secure your affection through intense love bombing, it is important that you set clear, strict boundaries with them.
While this is easy to say, it can be difficult to tell the person you are feeling uncomfortable with their actions, so seeking help from a therapist or relationship counsellor could be a massive help in formulating an approach that makes you feel comfortable and empowered to say your piece.
"If you spot red flags for a love bomber, my single best advice is to set boundaries early on! Say that you like to take things at your own pace and that it’s going too fast, that you need more time for yourself, and that you can meet up with some more space in between," Sofie advised.
She continued: "Also, slow down the tempo by meeting the person in different situations, by waiting with big decisions, and by hanging out in groups with others, something that works as manipulative behaviour is less effective in a slower tempo and with other people around!"
If you feel unsafe or controlled in your relationship, you are not alone. Contact Refuge or visit Women's Aid for confidential support.
