One day, you’re pandering to their packed lunch preferences, ferrying them to clubs and feeling permanently, exhaustingly, oh-so-very needed. The next, your kids are out with friends, rolling their eyes when you offer help - or even leaving home altogether.
And suddenly a question pops into your head:
Who on earth am I now?
For this week’s episode of Second Act Unpacked, I sat down with life coach Mhairi Todd to talk about the strange identity shift that can happen when children grow up. It’s a theme that resonated hugely with me, as I waved my son off to secondary school a couple of weeks ago, and it's an even hotter topic for anyone a stage ahead of me, packing their babies off to uni.
Whether your kids are six or 26, there’s something here for anyone who has ever wondered where they now fit into their own life.
Here are five of Mhairi’s best bits of advice…
“You haven’t lost yourself – you’ve lost a role”
This was a nugget that really stayed with me. Many women feel that motherhood has swallowed up so much time, energy and identity that, when kids become more independent, they’re left wondering who they are underneath it all.
But Mhairi’s view is much more hopeful: You haven’t disappeared or lost yourself, you’ve simply lost a role that took up a huge amount of space.
That new space doesn’t need to feel like a gaping chasm - it can actually be an opportunity to rediscover parts of yourself that have been waiting in the wings.
Stop asking: “Who am I?”
Instead, ask: “What am I mildly interested in?”
It sounds so simple, but it’s a powerful shift. Rather than putting pressure on yourself to find a grand new purpose, start with little sparks of curiosity. Have you always fancied joining a choir? Learning pottery? Running? Making more friends? Reading more books? Trying a dance class?
Forget the five year plan for now, just try to find one small thing that sounds vaguely interesting.
© Derek ChristieConfidence comes from “small brave things”
Mhairi talks about the importance of doing one small thing each week that stretches you a bit - not moving to Bali or immediately retraining as a yoga teacher, but something slightly outside your comfort zone.
Wear the gorgeous dress that’s been hanging in your wardrobe for years, organise the dinner with friends you’ve lost touch with, go to the class you’re curious about - or just say yes to the invitation when previously you might have looked for an excuse.
And here’s the important bit to remember: you might not enjoy it at first, and you might even wonder why on earth you signed up. But confidence doesn’t come before action – it comes afterwards. As Mhairi says: “Confidence is a muscle.”
You don’t have to find your new thing immediately
Mhairi revealed that she tried 35 different exercise classes before finding one she actually loved. Thirty-five!
It’s a good reminder that rediscovering yourself isn’t a neat process - sometimes it involves trying things, ruling things out and giving yourself permission to be a beginner. You’re allowed to hate the pottery class, decide that pilates isn’t for you (guilty!) and change your mind. The point is to stay curious.
Build a life that sits alongside motherhood
Perhaps the biggest message from the episode is that you don’t need your children to become less independent in order to feel happier. Kids growing up isn’t the end of your story, but the start of a new chapter - and your relationship with them will continue to evolve too. They'll still need you for a long time yet!
But if questions like “What do I enjoy?”, “What do I want?” and “What makes me feel alive?” feel exciting and terrifying in equal measure, it’s normal and you’re not alone.
There’s so much more in my conversation with Mhairi – from guilt and confidence to friendships, identity and why trying new things matters more than we think. So if your children are growing up and you’re wondering, What happens to me now? — give it a whirl and let me know what you think.
