"Which one is you, long hair or short hair?" was one of the first questions I was asked on dating apps, post-cancer.
The dater in question was referring to my differing looks in photos: ones from before cancer when my hair was long and thick, and ones after, with my new pixie crop.
His question stumped me. Did I say the real me was the one with long hair, but she didn't exist anymore after I lost every strand to cancer? Or did I just reply, "Short hair one," and pretend this pixie cut was some bold, confident statement and not the aftermath of survival?
I didn't know which version I was supposed to be, and honestly, I wasn't sure who I was either. I wasn't sure whether I was 'allowed' to put photos up from only a year ago, pre-cancer with my long thick hair, but also felt a pixie crop wasn't quite 'me' either.
Dating post-cancer
Dating is hard enough at the best of times, but nobody really talks about how brutally confronting it can be after cancer. Your body has changed. Your confidence has taken a huge knock. You're going through awkward stages of hair growth whilst you're trying to figure out how to explain premature menopause while still figuring it out yourself and also wondering if you're going to have a hot flush and have to run off to the bathroom.
Instead of simply choosing which shoes you're going to wear, you're fretting over whether you bring up the 'C' word, and if so, how and when.
Someone needs to write a manual on how to date after cancer.
Post-cancer dating
I was diagnosed with an aggressive stage 4 blood cancer at 37 and started chemotherapy just three hours later. There was no time to process. No time to freeze my eggs or make a plan. Just time to survive. Once I was in remission and ready to date again, I assumed love would find me easily - like a reward for everything I'd endured.
This was not the case. Dating after cancer isn't just about vulnerability with someone new – it's about vulnerability with yourself.
You're not only looking for love. You're rebuilding your identity. You're trying to hold grief in one hand and hope in the other.
You're expected to be flirty and light while carrying the weight of everything you've been through. And in all that, we often go looking for someone to save us. To tell us we're enough. To make it better. (Which, to be clear, is totally understandable - and also very lovely when it happens.)
But the truth is, dating is a mirror. We meet ourselves time and time again. It shows us the parts we want to hide or the golden parts of us that we project onto others. And the work isn't to become someone else - it’s to stop abandoning the parts of ourselves we fear others won't accept.
5 gentle tips for dating after cancer
1. Date yourself first
If it all feels overwhelming, pause and date yourself first. I know friends have good intentions telling you to get back out there, but when you have gone through a major life change, it's okay to take your time. Ask yourself: what kind of date would you love to be taken on? What brings you joy?
2. Step away from comparison
It's easy to look around and think you're behind, especially when illness has paused your plans. But you are not too late, you can find true love at any age. You are becoming a deeper, wiser version of yourself.
3. Get creative
Dating is a journey of self-discovery and dating apps aren't the only way to meet someone. Try meeting people through what you love: a new class, a shared interest, or even just saying yes to things that bring you alive. Every connection, even the awkward one, teaches you something. Let your dating profile evolve with you.
4. Remember we all have insecurities
It might feel that everyone else is confident with who they are, but we're all just trying to find the courage to be ourselves, hoping someone else will go first.
There's someone out there who can't wait to meet you and will be so happy they can be themselves with you too.
5. Honour your emotions and celebrate the small wins
Dating can stir up a lot- grief, hope, self-doubt, even joy. Let it. Every feeling is valid. You've already been through so much, and just showing up is brave. Celebrate what went well, even if it's simply that you got out the door. That counts.
Helen is a life coach who helps women to reconnect with purpose when life hasn’t gone to plan. Sign up for her newsletter and receive a free Breakthrough Visualisation
