Attachment styles are a dating tool many of us have heard about, but how many people actually know the ins and outs of their personal category and, better yet, apply it to their real-life romantic experience? Understanding what kind of attachment style suits you will help when it comes to knowing if a partner is right and if a relationship will last. Whether you're an anxious attachment style or an avoidant, the qualities and traits that encompass that label will dictate how you communicate with your significant other and how you respond to conflict and challenges within your relationship. If you know you tend to do certain things, you can address it and stop them from becoming disruptive before it's too late. Unsure of what attachment style fits your profile? Like many people, I first learned about attachment styles on social media, but I spoke to the experts to find out what they really mean for myself and HELLO! readers.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment theory was first developed by British psychologist John Bowlby in the 1960s. The ideas created by Bowlby were later expanded on by developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. The original theory proposed that infants have an innate need to form strong emotional bonds with their primary caregiver, and that the nature of these early bonds creates a blueprint for future relationships.
Ainsworth’s pioneering "Strange Situation" research identified three distinct patterns of attachment based on how children responded to separation and reunion with their caregiver. These were labelled secure, anxious-avoidant, and anxious-resistant attachments. Through her research, Ainsworth explored the way we emotionally relate to others and concluded that, mainly, the relationships lay in how we were shaped by early experiences we had with caregivers. She figured out that those early-life relationships and the initial reactions we had to them were carried into adulthood, giving us all our own distinct attachment styles.
The four main attachment styles
The attachment styles have been heavily discussed in the dating world and are used to describe different kinds of behaviours when it comes to being in a relationship. Therapists often say that each attachment style throws up a range of patterns that dictate how our romantic experiences play out. For example, securely attached people tend to communicate openly and build stable bonds, while those with an anxious style may respond to a period of innocent distance with clinginess or emotional roller-coasters. Elsewhere, avoidant people might withdraw when things get serious, choosing to retreat rather than risk getting hurt. The four stages are as follows:
Secure: You feel at ease with both closeness and independence and are comfortable asking for support, setting boundaries, and maintaining trust
Anxious (Preoccupied): You crave deep connection but often worry your partner doesn’t feel the same. Rejection and abandonment feel very real, so you might constantly seek reassurance
Avoidant (Dismissive): You highly value your freedom and self-reliance, sometimes to the point of keeping people at arm’s length. Vulnerability feels risky, and emotional intimacy can feel like a trap
Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant): You’re caught in a tangle of wanting love but fearing it. Relationships often feel unpredictable, so sometimes you reach for connection, other times you pull away in panic.
© Getty ImagesHow attachment styles affect your love life
Depending on which style best categorises you in a relationship, your experience of events and conflicts will differ from your partner if they don't see the situation the same as you do. Consultant psychiatrist at Cassiobury Court and a Member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists, Dr Mosun told HELLO!: "People don’t tend to go into relationships as a blank slate. It's quite normal to carry patterns from early life into adult love without realising it, and those patterns tend to show up obviously when we are feeling vulnerable."
She continued: "If someone does have an anxious attachment style, they may worry about being abandoned even when the relationship is stable, so they can come across as constantly needing reassurance. Someone with an avoidant style might pull back when things get emotionally close because intimacy can feel scary to them, but avoidants / anxious styles can attract each other. With a bit of open communication, people can learn to respond rather than react. Smaller things like being honest about your fears and slowing down before jumping to conclusions, and choosing partners who show consistency can gradually build a sense of security needed."
Can you change your attachment style?
Like most things in life, an attachment style isn't necessarily permanent, and it isn't set in stone. While early relationships shape your emotional patterns, they don’t determine your future. With the right tools and the help of a therapist, people can move toward a more secure attachment, no matter where they start. Building self-awareness is the first step: noticing your triggers, spotting old patterns, and understanding how they play out in your relationships. Closely monitoring how you react to situations can help you understand why you feel the way that you do, and over time, you can work on emotionally regulating yourself to a more secure attachment style.
© Getty ImagesHow to identify and balance your attachment patterns
Understanding your attachment style isn’t about sticking a label on it, it’s about gently noticing the emotional habits that shape your relationships. Instead of resorting to self-diagnosis, try asking yourself the following questions to see how you feel about the answers. How do I react when someone I care about pulls away? Do I find it easy to express my needs, or do I minimise them? When conflict arises, do I lean in, shut down, or go between the two?
In order to balance your attachment patterns, you need to start small. Take a pause before reacting, check in with how your body is reacting during emotional moments, or write down what you’re feeling before sharing it. Over time, if you practice these things, you might notice a shift in your behaviour.
Can attachment issues ruin a relationship?
Unfortunately, if not addressed, your attachment style could cause damage to your relationship. Rachael Eccles, a clinical hypnotherapist, said: "Attachment styles are subconscious and run habitual responses. If your attachment style is unhealthy, for example, anxious or suspicious, of course, it can harm relationships. However, if you recognise it, you can use a simple self-hypnosis practice (or audio) to train yourself to pause and react calmly if you are triggered. This can effectively re-train your mind to change your behaviours and reactions to healthier, more controlled ones."
