"What do you want to do?" sounds like a simple enough question. But as a middle-aged mum juggling more balls than a travelling circus, it completely stopped me in my tracks when my life coach (we'll come back to this) asked me about my plans for Christmas.
For me - and I'm sure many others in the sandwich of midlife - that sentence carries so much weight of guilt, expectation and putting others first and making sure you are doing the 'right' thing, that when Roadblock Coach Mhairi Todd posed the question, I was floored.
I realised - or should I say Mhairi pointed out to me - that for the past decade since becoming a mum, and probably long before that, I had never thought about putting myself first at Christmas.
Christmas past
Having moved to London when I was in my twenties, I always did a Chris Rea and drove back up north for Christmas. Christmas Eve was spent in the local pub with old school friends, observing the steady decline of guys we once fancied; Christmas mornings, nursing hangovers with my cousins in my Aunty and Uncle's kitchen before lunch, followed by clubbing in town on Boxing Day. Then, when my early 40s hit, I had a husband and children, which brought a whole layer of Santa admin and other people's feelings into the mix. I felt an expectation to keep Christmas traditions just the same, but I had changed.
Now aged 46, I have had Christmas day in my own home only three times and one of those was during Covid. There has long been a tug between wanting to see the people I love and pining for Santa to hang a stocking off the end of my own bed.
It was only a passing comment to Mhairi about this year's ambitious plan to make sure everyone was having 'the best Christmas ever!' whilst trying not to snap under the stress, then rush back down the M6 to repack and go away again for New Year, and she sensed the overwhelming anxiety rising in my chest as I opened up.
That’s when she asked me the question, which made me stop and reframe everything, asking what I wanted to do after years of people-pleasing and doing what I thought was the 'correct' thing. It turned out my answer was stay home, nest, be calm and cosy - not rushing round exhausted and manic.
After weeks of getting stressed out, my wish to stay home, I broke the news to my family, who were, of course, absolutely fine, and we made arrangements for another weekend. By following the life coaching advice from Mhairi - my now Christmas angel - all I needed to do was to be honest, not follow old patterns that don’t work and communicate effectively - and to my relief, the outcome was better than I expected.
Life coaching in midlife
Guiding me through festive emotional turmoil is not the only thing having a life coach has helped me with. A friend first suggested I meet Mhairi after I was talking about feeling stuck in life and career - something most Second Act women can relate to, particularly if they have had to pause to care for children or elderly parents.
After an initial eyeroll at feeling like a middle-aged cliche, it has been the best investment in time and money I have made for myself this year. And many women are feeling the same way. In her recent Second Act podcast, life coach Jo Glynn-Smith told of how many of her clients are over 50 looking to pivot careers. Listen to the episode below...
In September, the International Coaching Federation estimated a 15% rise in the number of life coaches, creating a global industry worth £4.015 billion – but with so many out there, choosing the right life coach should have the same due care and consideration as picking a counsellor. Make sure to check their credentials and also see if they are the right fit for you.
The main difference between a life coach and a counsellor is that they help to make positive changes and focus on the future, rather than looking back at past issues - perfect for getting out of a midlife rut.
"I always tell clients before we start a program that who they are at the beginning won't be the same person they are at the end," says Mhairi. "It's an incredibly bold statement, but one that holds true time and time again. We are not looking for unadulterated joy 24 hours a day, because that's not life," she adds. "But you deserve to feel peaceful in every aspect of your life."
I was a cynic at first about how a life coach could help me, but for this stage in my life, having Mhairi on my team has been like having a cheerleader, mentor and counsellor all in one, and helped me face up to situations I have been stuck in for years - roll on Christmas!