How to parent a 'stubborn' child without power struggles – and when to see a child psychologist

Raising and educating a strong-willed child can be a real challenge, but it's important to understand the difference between a temperamental child and a child who is dangerously aggressive toward others or themselves.

How do you tell the difference - and how do you know when to ask for help? What are the first steps when disruptive behaviours appear? Child psychologist and author Sara Tarrés answers some of the most frequently asked questions that parents have about the challenges of parenting a strong-willed little one.

Why are some children more strong-willed than others, and why do usual gentle parenting techniques not seem to work with them?

Every child is born with a unique temperament as a base, and biological factors that influence their sensitivity, energy, adaptability and emotional reactivity. Some [children] are intense and demanding from day one, while others are calmer and more adaptable.

Over time, a child's fundamental temperament is shaped by their experiences. Yes, family is an influence, but school, peers, and our increasingly digital lives also factor in. All of this directly impacts how a child is going to regulate their emotions, express themselves, and behave. This combination of innate and learned traits is what we call their character.

When a child has a strong personality, with a lot of emotional reactivity, high sensitivity, or an extremely defiant attitude, "respectful parenting" isn't enough if it's used by itself. Guiding your child with respect doesn't mean avoiding conflict or expecting everything to flow effortlessly. It means supporting [your child] from a bonding standpoint, being an adult presence who isn't contributing to their feelings of distress… and, very importantly, isn't expecting them to always cooperate immediately.

Behind every shout, tantrum, or constant "No", there's an emotion they're trying to get across. And behind that emotion, there's an unmet need: for affection, security, connection, validation, rest, autonomy, freedom, exploration… That's why, rather than immediately labelling them "stubborn," we need to ask ourselves: what's behind the way that they’re expressing themselves?

How can parents help their child manage their headstrong personality at home?

There isn't one single valid way to parent, because each child is growing up in a different context. Their age, whether they have siblings, the level of stress within the family, the emotional history of the adults raising them, and the educational style at home -  permissive, authoritarian, overprotective, conventional - all influence how their personality manifests itself.

These children need adults who offer them structure without rigidity, clear boundaries without unnecessary punishments, and a presence that doesn't fuel the dynamics of confrontation or engage in constant power struggles.

Being excessively rigid, authoritarian, and controlling isn't the right approach, nor is letting them do whatever they want without limits. Children need clear structure and consistent boundaries, but also a lot of empathy, validation and emotional support.

It's key to remember that helping kids manage their stubbornness doesn't mean breaking their will or turning them into submissive or compliant children, but rather teaching them to express themselves respectfully, without harming themselves or others. And this process requires time, maturity and an adult who is capable of supporting the child without triggering their distress.

What strategies do you recommend?

Obviously, there are no magic wands or one-size-fits-all strategies, and each family must find what fits their reality, values and capabilities. There are some key ideas, though, that can be useful when raising children with a strong or very reactive personality.

The first strategy starts with us, the adults: regulating ourselves before intervening. If I lose control, if I shout, if I act out of anger or exhaustion, it's going to be tough for the child to learn how to calm down. Children learn to regulate themselves by watching the adult who is with them. Starting from there, some more useful strategies are:

• Set few rules, but clear ones. It's not about having a thousand rules, it's about consistently maintaining the essential ones.
• Avoid power struggles. Don't focus on winning the battle, but on guiding with firmness and respect.
• Validate without justifying. We can acknowledge a child's anger without allowing certain behaviour: "I understand you're very angry, but hitting is not allowed."
• Anticipate changes. Preparing for changes and offering small choices to the child can prevent a lot of outbursts.
• Put words to what they feel. Naming their emotions helps them understand how they feel, and express their feelings without a meltdown.

Don't lose sight of the fact that educating a child does not mean "controlling", but "guiding". We're not trying to raise children who never get angry; we want to raise children who learn to express what they feel in a safe and respectful way. This isn't achieved in a day: it requires time, maturity and a strong adult presence. The most powerful strategy isn't control, it's connection.

We know that tantrums and meltdowns are normal in children, but why do these outbursts sometimes last longer than expected?

It's true that tantrums are part of childhood emotional development, especially between the ages of two and five years old. But when total meltdowns are very intense, frequent, or last longer than expected for that stage, it's natural for families to wonder if something is wrong or if their child is developing at the right pace.

In these cases, rather than focusing on your child's chronological age, it's important to look at your child as a whole: Are they sleeping well? Do they feel safe? Have they experienced any recent changes? Are their basic or emotional needs, like connection or quiet time, being met?

Tantrums are not a parenting failure or a deliberate act against you. They're the expression of a still-immature nervous system that, for various reasons, may take longer to learn how to self-regulate. Each child has their own rhythm - instead of expecting them to always obey or react like others their age, we need to look at what's behind their behaviour.

Some guidelines that can help in these situations are:

• Don't interpret tantrums as personal challenges. They are not an attack or a way to manipulate us. It's a way to communicate discomfort, frustration, or exhaustion.
• Offer a safe space and a calm presence, even if the child doesn't want contact at that moment.
• Acknowledge what they feel, without trying to calm them immediately: "I see you're very angry... I'm here with you."
• Avoid shouting louder than them. Calmness is contagious, but so is chaos.
• Consider the context: Grief, the arrival of a sibling, sensory overload or a tense family environment can all be influencing factors.
• Maintain a stable routine, with time for play, rest, and emotional connection.

And if you feel that the situation repeats too often, overwhelms you, or affects your family's well-being, seek professional guidance to help nurture the bond with your child and prevent bigger problems. 

Can a strong will be a manifestation of deep anger, or are there children who simply get angrier than others for no reason?

Both things can coexist. There are children who, by temperament, get angry more easily, react more intensely or have a lower tolerance for frustration. It's not that they do it "for no reason", but rather because their emotional threshold and their way of processing what they experience is just different.

When the anger is constant or defiant attitudes and bad moods happen all the time, you'll have to look beyond the behaviour. Many times, that intensity is the child's way of expressing a discomfort that they can't put into words: overtiredness, jealousy, a need for attention, low self-esteem, or simply feeling overwhelmed by their environment.

That's why it's fundamental not to invalidate what they feel; don't minimise it with phrases like, "They get angry for nothing." There's always a reason, even if we can't see it at first. And that's precisely where true support begins: What's the root cause of this anger? What does my child really need? How is their environment influencing their emotional state?

Understanding doesn't mean justifying certain behaviours, but it does imply recognising the needs causing the attitude. Sometimes, behind a child who seems "difficult" there's a child who needs to be understood more than corrected.

How should parents react to a child who constantly negotiates? When every time you establish a rule or ask them to do something, no matter how simple, it becomes a challenge?

With calm, clarity, and consistency. When rules are ambiguous, confusing or change all the time, it opens the door to endless negotiations. It's not about imposing, but about communicating with a calm, predictable firmness: "This is what needs to happen now."

There are children who, due to temperament or their developmental stage, have a need to test boundaries. They don't do it to annoy you, they do it to assert themselves, to figure out if the world is a safe place and if adults are really there to support them. They question, negotiate, insist. And that's precisely when the adult's reaction makes all the difference.

You shouldn't take it personally. What we sometimes interpret as disobedience is, in reality, a way of building identity: "I want," "I don't want," "I decide." That's why, instead of getting into power struggles or endless explanations, it's better to offer a few words, a calm tone and closed options: “You can choose between this or that.”

Children need to feel like they have a voice, but also that there are adults capable of establishing limits without punishing, deciding for them without humiliating, and listening to them without losing focus. 

If a rule is followed today and not tomorrow, the message the child receives is that everything can be negotiated. Often, "misbehaving" is just a desperate cry for connection. Before we correct [the child's] behavior, let's listen to what they're really trying to tell us.

What happens when parents end up giving in to their child in order to avoid conflict?

There are a lot of reasons a parent might do this, but most often we give in because we're too tired, we're rushed, we're afraid of confrontation... or simply because it's faster to do something ourselves than to get into another battle. Raising, teaching, supporting [a child]... It's exhausting. And we don't always have enough energy to firmly maintain our limits.

But when giving in becomes the norm, we're not avoiding conflict; we're postponing it. It might seem like we gain peace of mind, but what happens is the child learns that if they push hard enough, the adult eventually gives in. And that puts them in a position of false power that doesn't empower them, it dysregulates them.

It's not about never giving in - being flexible is also a lesson for them - but when everything is negotiable, the child doesn't see a clear framework or an adult figure who is providing support. And that, far from being reassuring, confuses them and creates insecurity. Constantly giving in out of fear of conflict, to avoid a tantrum or because you're worried your child will love you less, eventually erodes healthy authority and also wears down your bond. Because that conflict we avoid doesn't disappear: it transforms into accumulated tension or endless daily struggles.

The important thing is not to be inflexible, but to be clear about which limits are non-negotiable. Not to impose upon or control, but to protect. Not with threats, but with clarity, consistency, and connection.

How can these conflicts be avoided at home?

The first thing to remember is that conflict is not inherently negative. It's a natural part of coexistence and human development. Living with others involves a clash of different needs, rhythms, and priorities: the adult needs order or punctuality, while the child is in full exploration mode. That’s where the conflict arises, not because someone is "doing something wrong".

The key is to rethink how we approach conflict. If every disagreement becomes a power struggle, with shouting or demands, not only do we get emotionally exhausted, but we also teach our child that conflict is something dangerous. And it's not: when well-managed, it's an opportunity to teach and learn.

Some strategies for better managing these moments:

• Anticipate situations that could cause conflict, especially moments of change or exhaustion
• Offer closed options: "Do you prefer to brush your teeth before putting on your pyjamas or after?" This gives them a sense of control without losing your guidance.
• Give advance notice: "In five minutes we'll pick up the toys." This helps the child mentally prepare.
• Establish clear and predictable routines that offer stability and reduce the need to constantly repeat rules.
• Name what's happening without being dramatic: "I see you're having trouble leaving your toys and coming to the table; it's normal to feel angry about it."
• Cultivate moments of positive bonding. When you nurture the bond with your child, they'll be less likely to create conflict just to feel seen - although this doesn't mean conflict will disappear entirely.

It's about firmness and connection, knowing that having obedient children at any cost isn't the goal. Instead we want to raise children who, little by little, are learning to self-regulate and coexist respectfully with others.

What should you do when they are strong-willed with other children or at school?

The first thing is to differentiate. It's one thing is to have a "strong personality"; acting out in a way that repeatedly harms others or oneself is something else entirely. When these types of behaviors are repeated in different contexts like home, school or extracurricular activities, it's advisable to take a deeper look at what’s going on. 

It's also important to consider the child's age. What might be common aged three, like biting or pushing, can be more concerning aged seven or 10. That's why it's essential to interpret the behaviours in relation to the child's developmental stage and the context in which it occurs.

And we should ask ourselves: what is that child experiencing right now? School changes, separations, the birth of a sibling, difficulties adapting, conflicts with other children, academic problems, or simply feeling overwhelmed can all cause those types of reactions.

Behavioural problems don't just appear out of nowhere; they are a way of communicating something that can't be expressed with words. Therefore, rather than focusing on correcting, we need to observe, listen and guide.

Also key is talking to the adults around your children outside the home, like teachers or caregivers, in an open, respectful and collaborative way. It's not about finding culprits, but about collectively building a safe and stable environment for the child.

Ultimately, the goal is for the child to manage their emotions without hurting anyone, including themselves. And that's not achieved with punishments or labels, but with support, listening and clear, respectful limits.

When should we consider taking the child to a child psychologist?

When the child's behaviour significantly interferes with their daily life or the family environment. If it's persistent, and is affecting their self-esteem, relationships, schooling,or family dynamics, it's time to pause and ask for help.

One of the keys to assessing the need for professional intervention is to observe whether the disobedient or aggressive behaviour is repeated in different contexts (at home, at school, with other children, with other adults) or if it's limited to a single situation. The more generalised the behaviour, the more likely it is that there's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed with a specialist.

As adults, we should also consider asking for help when we feel overwhelmed by the situation. If you've tried everything and don't know what else to do. When patience runs out and emotional fatigue is constant, being there for your child becomes very difficult. 

It's important to consider the child's age, how long the behaviour has been happening, how intense it is and, above all, the context: have there been recent changes? Family crises? Issues adapting? School conflicts or problems with other children? These might be affecting the child emotionally, and should be assessed by a professional.

Asking for psychological support is an act of responsibility, love and care. When we ask for help, we're telling our child: "What's happening to you matters. And you are not alone."

What would be involved with psychological treatment and when would you start to notice changes?

It would depend a lot on the child's age, the reason for the consultation, the family environment, and also the severity of the problem. A one-time conflict is not the same as something that has been going on for a long time or that is hiding a deeper issue. That's why a good initial assessment is so important.

With younger children, the work usually focuses on connecting, play, drawing… But an intervention with the adults in their lives, such as parents or teachers, is also necessary, because often when a child's environment changes, the child improves as well 

A change is usually not immediate. Sometimes it takes several sessions to build a trusting relationship and begin to identify what's actually happening. But when there's a good alliance between the family and the psychologist, small steps forward usually appear in a few weeks. You might notice more calm, fewer struggles, a greater connection.

The sooner the problem is detected and the child is put into the hands of a specialist, the smoother the results will be. Asking for help in time can make a big difference.

Sara Tarrés (@mamapsicologainfantil_oficial on Instagram) is a Spain-based child psychologist and author of the book, I Don't Like My Child (Mi hijo me cae mal) published by Plataforma Editorial.