"My daughter, who is on her gap year, is dating a boy I dislike. He's very laddish, doesn't seem to have any direction and can't look me in the eye when he comes to the house – behaving as though I'm an irritation. I don't want to fall out with her, though. What should I do? "
"We've all been there, and I vividly recall spending time with a number of boys who might not, on paper, have been considered 'suitable'. Cast your mind back. Did you never go out with someone just to see how your parents reacted? As a once rebellious daughter and now as a parent, I can assure you that this too will pass. The most important thing is that you are on her side and that you support her. To be clear, I'm advising only on a boyfriend that you aren't fond of and not on an abusive relationship.
© InstagramMost importantly. Do nothing
I know it's counterintuitive, but if he is part of an in-head rebellion, the worst thing you can do is react. As I know from my ongoing dog-training with our new puppy, sometimes all that's wanted is attention. Don't give it for the wrong reasons. If you lecture her as to his unsuitability, you may find that you push her further into his arms. Teens like nothing more than drama and the desperately romantic idea of forbidden love. Just look at Romeo and Juliet.
Do not, in any circumstances, make him seem unwelcome, as then you lose the chance to monitor how things are going.
Why don't you like him?
You say he's one of the lads, but we all know that we have different personas in different company, and especially when young and not confident enough to reveal our true selves the entire time. Perhaps he is gentle and thoughtful when with your daughter.
He may not know what he wants to do with his life, but quite honestly, who does, in these AI-driven times? Your late teens and early twenties are a time for working out what your ambitions are. Perhaps he has a secretly nurtured plan for success that he's actually nervous to share.
Consider his ways
In reality, he might be shy, putting on laddish behaviour to cover up insecurities, and behaving like a sulky teenager (which of course he is) in front of you to mask an inability to make small talk with middle-aged women. I sympathise with you both.
Invite him to family meals or to an outing – it might just be that he needs to get to know you. He may end up being completely charming and you fall for him as much as your daughter (though obviously in a different way).
© Getty ImagesTalk to her
Ask her about him (try to keep that judgmental tone from your voice). Why does she like him? What appeals? What are his hobbies? Try to show approbation. Perhaps he has different views or a different background. But respect these rather than fearing them , and be open-minded. Perhaps his parents will be horrified at your daughter – impossible though that idea might seem.
Consider her ways
Most importantly, is she happy? If so, then as a loving parent, there's not much you can do except hope that she continues to be so. And don't forget that she is soon off to uni. Very few relationships, even the most intense, survive that first year of university.
Spend time with the most important person of all
On the subject of relationships, our own liaisons can get pretty fraught when we're busy. I'm endeavouring to do some much-needed maintenance work by making a little more time for my husband. A dinner for two every now and again, maybe a nice walk in a different local to the one outside our front door. A cinema date or, when the bank balance has recovered from Christmas, a weekend away for two.
We often spend so much time on what's happening in our broader family and within our friendships that we forget the relationship that's the glue holding us all together. The New Year is the perfect time for some seasonal attempts at upgrading our most important partnership.
