Meet, move in, marry, acquire a mortgage, kids, and poodle cross dog. That is the accepted societal progression for a relationship. And each time you achieve one of these courtship milestones there's congratulations and celebrations. Champagne and confetti - like you snatched the best prize in a video game.
Physiologically, there are feelings of satisfaction and safety in progressing along this well-worn track. Though admittedly, as soon as you've secured one prize, everyone immediately starts asking about the next.
Well, having successfully run through the stages with my ex, I hit the last and least desirable milestone five years ago. Divorce.
I am now very happily in a long-term relationship where the trajectory looks less traditional.
A new approach
We met (obviously). But four years later, we've not moved in together.
Often people ask when we might co-habit. Mostly this is a guileless enquiry, but occasionally it has a side note of snide. Insinuating that if we aren't shacked up, we can't be all that serious, or that one of us must be less committed.
The implication being there's some fault lines in our union. This isn't helped by the constant media stories of celebrities who've met, moved in, married and divorced – all in the time my boyfriend and I have known each other.
But our reasons for living apart are myriad.
© Rosie GreenWhy we live apart
Firstly, and most importantly, we both have children and they would find blending hard. After the upset of divorce, it seems unfair to foist a new living situation on them. Plus, after dismantling and rebuilding our lives post-separation, it feels daunting – both financially and practically. And having lived on my own (well, with kids) for a few years now, I am actually loving my own space.
© Rosie GreenTo the snarky types, I would argue it takes a strong relationship to withstand the internal and external pressure to move in together. And actually, lots of expert advice has told me rushing into cohabiting looks like the opposite of relationship success, displaying a need to outsource your happiness to another, rather than find it in yourself.
So, are we really that unusual for choosing not to live together?
Apparently not. There's a rise in people who live apart by choice. We've even got a name now. The 'no-habitors'.
The secret to relationship success
Love coach Joanne Jones at Trusted Psychics, says more couples are finding that not sharing a home might actually be the secret to a long-term connection.
She says it might just be the secret to a healthier, happier relationship. "For many couples, choosing to live apart is not a sign of trouble. In fact, it's a progressive, emotionally intelligent decision that supports personal wellbeing and relationship longevity rather than being a red flag." Yesss Joanne!
Here are her arguments for no-habiting (in bold) and the reasons I agree with her.
It preserves independence
I wholeheartedly agree with this. My boyfriend and I own and run our own houses. And for the majority of time, we live in them. This means we have more autonomy over our lives than a cohabiting couple, so are happier to compromise when we are together, Watching each other's choice of TV etc.
Better sleep = better relationship
100% true in my opinion. I have friends driven crazy (and made ratty) by their spouse's snoring, loo trips or late-night scrolling habits. Many have retreated to separate bedrooms. I sleep a few nights a week at my boyfriend's house and get considerably less sleep than I do at home (for both fun reasons and some of those listed above) but I'm not bothered as I know I can recharge when I'm at home.
HELLO!'s Second Act is a newsletter for women in midlife and beyond. It's completely free to sign up and is a one-stop-shop for advice and inspiration on the issues our Second Act community have told us matter most: health, relationships, travel, menopause, divorce, careers, finance and more.
Avoiding the roommate trap
Domestic tasks are a bugbear in so many relationships, and my boyfriend and I do not argue over who is taking out the bins, buying the loo roll or the correct way to load the dishwasher.
More desire
Our living arrangements mean every evening we spend together feels like date night. Special. Because it's only twice a week, I'll put on makeup, wear a nice outfit, wash my hair - basically make an effort. It's sexy, it's fun, it keeps the spark.
I won't lie, sometimes I think it would be lovely to share a home for both emotional reasons (more time together) and practical ones (single mortgage rather than two), but currently, no-habiting works for us.
