Christmas is the time of year when the gulf between expectation and reality widens from a crack to a chasm. The dream is a content, aesthetically pleasing family in Ralph Lauren-esque garb, merrily chatting around a beautifully tablescaped dinner. This meal will be sophisticated and served at the perfect temperature. Afterwards, you will open a present from your beloved that makes your heart leap.
When this very much is not the case – think squabbling siblings, cremated sprouts and a practical gift (despite your request for nothing with a plug) – it can be crushing. Add to this, in-laws who want you to accommodate their traditions (horrifying because, as we all know, the way your family does Christmas is the only way), and you have relationship friction.
Now, I got a divorce to sideline the whole "in-laws at Christmas" issue (joking, it wasn't the reason, but it is an upside) and have learnt that a mix of lowering expectations, better planning and saying no earlier makes for smoother sailing with my boyfriend.
But for more comprehensive (OK, better) advice, I have asked the couples therapist Joanna Harrison, author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have: And Why The Washing Up Matters, for help.
Expert advice for a friction-free Christmas
"When Christmas lives up to our hopes, it can feel magical and connected – but when it doesn't, the tensions can play out between you," Joanna says. "Everyone has their own ideas about how to do things, but it may be more helpful to step out of power struggles and instead think about what really matters to you and how to nurture it. The more conversations you can have upfront, the more easily you'll be able to support each other."
1. You struggle with judgmental in-laws
We may not be able to change our in-laws but think about what you can do to protect yourself when the criticism comes. Perhaps walking away from the situation when they cross a red line or agreeing with your partner on regular time out. It can mean a lot when your partner acknowledges that this is hard for you, even when there's nothing you can do to change it. Try to describe the challenges you feel and why it upsets you.
2. You feel your partner isn't pulling their weight
Christmas can become very one-sided and can build up until the person shouldering it all has had enough. Don't let it get to that point – initiate conversations sooner rather than later about sharing out what needs doing (I know, more work, sorry). Then focus on doing the things that really matter to you even if it means not doing everything as perfectly. Maybe your partner doesn't do things the way you would – but focusing on getting them to do it your way will just use up energy. Try to have conversations early on to address any resentments.
3. You’re disappointed with your present
The real disappointment often isn't about the actual present but from the feeling that someone doesn't understand you or isn't romantic. Remember, though, that no one can mind-read. Even Santa needs a list. Instead of focusing on thinking they don't understand you, try to remember that they tried!
4. They/their family don’t do traditions your way
This is so hard – it can just feel all wrong when your traditions are so familiar to you. Spend your energy seeing what traditions you can mark, even if in a small, private way, rather than trying to change others' traditions. Instead of using up energy arguing what the "right" way to have Christmas is, try to mark the things that matter in your own way and see others' traditions as a bonus addition.