When a marriage breaks down, severing the bond between two people who were once in love, complications are inevitable. Divorce proceedings are rarely easy; they are often fraught with emotional hurdles.
While it is widely understood that this is a difficult period that can leave deep scars, managing the transition in a healthy way is vital for minimising the strain on everyone involved. Psychologist Barbara Chacon helps us navigate the topic with an informative Q&A.
Is divorce always a negative experience?
"While situations vary, divorce is undoubtedly a significant life event, much like marriage itself. Breaking such a close emotional bond is a complex journey full of nuances: the reasons for the separation, the age of those involved, who made the decision to split up, the quality of support networks and individual resilience all come into play.
It doesn’t always have to be a purely detrimental ordeal, though it's certainly unpleasant. It is absolutely essential to handle the transition with respect, particularly when third parties are involved.
© Getty ImagesWhat are the key factors for a "healthy" divorce?
- Goodwill: "The most fundamental factor is the willingness of both partners to cooperate. Sometimes, due to the collapse of the relationship, couples engage in conflict and treat one another as enemies. A healthy divorce doesn't mean forgetting the bad or ignoring the good; it means finding a middle ground."
- Constant respect: "Maintaining respect at all times is vital, especially if children or other family members are caught in the middle."
- A broader perspective: "It helps to try to see the big picture, understanding that this is simply another chapter in the lives of everyone involved, rather than the end of the story."
Is it common to seek blame during a divorce?
"It happens when one party feels wounded. When we perceive a situation as damaging to us, as is the case when you're ending a marriage, we tend to search for meaning - so we often cast ourselves as either the 'responsible party' or the 'victim.' In the latter case, we naturally point the finger at our partner, the person we deem responsible for our pain."
Key factors that lead to a 'healthy' divorce include cooperation, respect and keeping an eye on the big picture
Does everyone "lose" in a divorce?
"It's not unusual for recently divorced patients to express a deep sense of loss. However, this perception rarely persists throughout the entire grieving journey. While there are losses, there are also many gains. It all depends on how we process the separation and build a new path for the future."
How does divorce affect a person psychologically?
"Divorce can have a profound impact on emotions, thoughts and behaviour. Common effects include a significant sense of loss regarding the partner, shared dreams and future expectations. Many experience anxiety and stress due to the destabilisation of their 'previous reality,' alongside hits to self-esteem, deep sadness and feelings of loneliness."
© GettyHow long does it usually take to heal?
"Healing times vary considerably, influenced by the duration of the relationship, the circumstances of the split and the level of emotional support available. Generally, psychologists estimate it takes between one and three years to regain emotional stability. However, grief is not linear; progress depends on actively working through the transformation without judgement."
Is it possible to become stronger after a divorce?
"Yes, provided the separation is viewed as an opportunity for growth rather than a punishment. Many people emerge from divorce psychologically stronger because the grieving transition forces them to adapt. If approached correctly, this leads to increased resilience - essentially, learning to manage adversity more effectively."
Experts estimate it takes between one and three years to regain emotional stability after a divorce - but grief is not a linear process
What strategies are useful for dealing with a divorce in the healthiest way possible?
"In the initial stages, it's essential to seek emotional support, talk to friends and family and avoid isolation. Accept and validate your emotions; allow yourself to feel them without judgement. This transition is a long one. If your feelings become overwhelming, and you're not sure how to handle them, consult a professional. Therapy can provide the tools to regulate your emotions so they don't become your enemies.
© Getty Images"Know your self-worth; look after your physical health and find an ally in exercise to boost your mood through endorphins. This is a perfect opportunity to set new personal challenges and focus on yourself.
"Finally, if children are involved, work on communication; prioritise their well-being and seek professional help if you find it difficult to establish a healthy co-parenting dynamic."
About the expert:
Barbara Chacón Tomé is a psychologist at the Think U psychology centre in Madrid, Spain.
