My break up buddy (the one I battled through the snot-and-tears stage of our respective marriage splits with) told me last week she’d been consulting ChatGPT for relationship advice. We are now five years on from our divorces, but related issues still constantly come up.
I’ll admit I was sceptical. ChatGPT is used by the 20-somethings in the office, but to me it feels alien and like a poor man’s alternative to consulting friends or a therapist. But I asked my Instagram followers (most of whom have found me through their own turbulent break ups) if they’ve used it — and lots of them had.
One I’ll name “Ruth” direct messaged me and said “Your book was a life saver after my marriage ended 5 years ago” (thank you Ruth) but said that she was still struggling with the repercussions of her marriage breakdown. She’s since dated two men seriously. One went back to his wife “which was just super for my confidence" and the second guy was very “avoidant.” To help process the latter relationship she uploaded their WhatsApp chat to ChatGPT and its response, she said, was “extraordinary.” It predicted his behaviour “accurately.” She felt like “it understood her.”
ChatGPT is free and easily accessible. It’s low effort, requiring neither the organisation or vulnerability a visit to a therapist would. It feels impartial. Important because post-split everyone has an opinion on what you should do and it’s often one formed by their own insecurities or upbringing. Their advice will be skewed to achieving the outcome that will serve them best.
© InstagramI mentioned using ChatGPT as a heartbreak counsellor to my Gen Z daughter and she advises caution. She gets a whiteboard out (I kid you not) and writes down its risks. She says firstly users should consider the environment (ChatGPT takes up a lot of energy mining the web). Secondly it should not be considered as a replacement therapist. Human interaction is an important part of therapy, as reading body language is key. Also, it’s imperative to consider the history and world view of the individual in front of you. She says AI is reductionist and there have been cases of it encouraging self-destructive behaviour. Plus it’s not as impartial as you would believe. The information it mines is often slanted to the dominant cultural norms. It can be an echo chamber.
Noted. But still I’m curious. I decide to ask ChatGPT the questions I wanted answering when I was in the eye of the storm of my break up. Here are the responses.
How can I detach and move on post break up?
First it empathises (“I’m really sorry”) then it rattles off, in a friendly, non-judgemental way, all the advice I usually give people. “Detaching feels impossible right now” as “when the person we love leaves our brain treats it like a threat” because you are losing “emotional safety, routine and the person your future was mentally wrapped around.” ChatGPT says you fantasise about reconnecting “not because you are weak but because you are trying to restore safety.” Wow wow wow. So accurate. It goes on to say “don’t re-read old texts, stalk socials or wait for them to realise they made a mistake” because those actions just keep “the attachment alive, and instead create a no contact structure (mute or block if needed) and re-anchor your identity.” It then asks me, kindly, if I want to share more information and tells me I “don’t have to do this alone.”
My partner has left me for someone else. How do I deal with the rejection?
Again Chat GPT empathises — “Oh God I’m really sorry” — and then says “let’s break it down gently and honestly.” It says in this situation we often “self-blame” but your partner leaves for “unmet needs, avoidance or a desire for novelty” and “they chose the easiest escape.” It then says “rejection wounds the part of us that wants to be chosen” and is “not a reflection of your lovability.” Again, it says do not try and seek answers from you ex, instead “think of it like a burn you need to stop touching it for it to heal’ and instead “rebuild self-worth outside of romantic validation.”
My partner had an affair and now is cold and angry. What’s happening?
The advice here is breathtakingly insightful. Chat GPT says “this is extremely common behaviour after an affair” with “real psychological reasons” why it happens. “Understanding can help you stop internalising the damage.” It goes on to say that when a person has an affair “they split into two selves” where one self “is a spouse with responsibilities and history” the “other self is all about novelty, escape, fantasy and ego boost.” After the split that “doesn’t magically heal” and you may see “defensiveness, coldness, minimising and emotional distance” from them. Meanwhile their shame can show up as “anger, emotional withdrawal, blame shifting and acting like you are the problem” and often “hardening” themselves rather than facing the consequences of their actions. They move towards the narrative of “the relationship was already broken.” Any time you show pain it forces them to “look at the hurt they have caused.”
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I have to say the responses are exceptionally good and I think ChatGPT is really helpful in spelling out the thought processes behind human behaviours and offering actionable advice.
Friends and therapists are not replaceable though. Humans can offer comforting touch, hope and inspiration and can tailor advice to you as an individual.
My next question for ChatGPT? As a relationship expert how do I ensure I’m irreplaceable?
