It is the first week of December and already the mountain of festive life admin is threatening to tip midlife women over the edge. Being in the sandwich generation (those of us looking after kids and older relatives) brings unique pressures which can sometimes take the sparkle off what we are told should be the most wonderful time of the year.
The fine balance between managing logistics of looking after elderly parents while keeping the magic alive for the children, alongside juggling work Christmas parties and school carol concerts, can cause such overwhelm that a Baileys at 9am to take the edge off the stress suddenly feels outrageously appealing.
I, for one, have been waking up at 5am wondering how I am going to make sure I see all the generations of my family up and down the country, create special memories for the children and most importantly, make sure Santa gets his list in time from the kids. I can feel my stress levels rising and as I know from past mistakes, if I don't get a handle on it, soon I can start snapping like the Grinch instead of being a happy, sparkly Mother Christmas.
If it feels the universe is adding another plate of sprouts to juggle with the others already on the go, Anna Mathur, a psychologist and author of self-help books including The Uncomfortable Truth, gives her advice on how midlife women can navigate this time of year, be present and even come out smiling.
How to navigate the Christmas juggle in midlife, according to Anna Mathur
Christmas hits differently when you're in the sandwich generation. You are holding the emotional needs of excited children, while also caring for ageing parents who may have their own expectations, vulnerabilities or disappointments. It's tough to find a balance in a season where happiness seems to be the greatest goal.
It is a season that can press on every part of you. The load increases (extra life/admin with bells on), but your capacity does not, and that mismatch is where overwhelm begins.
Many women feel it most acutely because they are the default organisers, the emotional glue and the ones holding the memory of how Christmas 'should' feel.
You do not have to hold Christmas together with your bare hands. You are not responsible for everyone's happiness. You are allowed to make decisions that protect your own wellbeing, and in doing so, you actually give your family a calmer, more present version of you. That is the real magic.
The power of saying no
Saying 'no' at Christmas is not about being difficult. It is about protecting the limited resources you actually have. A gentle but firm no can prevent resentment, burnout and the feeling of being stretched so thin you cannot enjoy any of it. In midlife, boundaries become less about pleasing everyone else and more about preserving the emotional stability of your family. Choosing your wellbeing over the wishes and wants of other people leads to less resentment and burnout.
You can love people deeply and still say no to traditions or expectations that cost you too much. Most people can handle disappointment far better than we fear. And showing kids that they too can manage disappointment is a valuable life lesson as they head into a world that will, at times, disappoint them
Tips for juggling older parents and kids
1. Name your limits early
Decide what you can genuinely manage this year and communicate it warmly before the season ramps up. It is easier to set expectations at the beginning than to untangle resentment later. 'We're only hosting on Christmas day this year, no stay-over,' or 'We’re having a quieter Christmas,'
2. Choose one 'non-negotiable' for each generation
Something small that matters to your parents, something small that matters to your kids. You do not need to deliver the full Christmas fantasy to either group - pick one and just keep whatever else brings joy rather than adds to overwhelm.
3. Share the emotional labour
If you have siblings, partners or older kids, give everyone one job. Christmas does not belong to one woman. It's your Christmas too!
4. Do not force togetherness
If separate visits or shorter gatherings reduce pressure, choose that. A peaceful Christmas is better than a perfectly orchestrated one.
5. Create whitespace
Build protected pockets of calm into the day. A short walk, a quiet cup of tea, ten minutes alone to process and refuel. Trust me, your nervous system will thank you.
6. Let traditions evolve
Many midlife women try to replicate childhood Christmases they remember, but life has shifted. Allow things to be different without seeing it as failure. Traditions are only worth keeping if they serve you
The Good Decision Diary, by Anna Mathur out now