As students head to university later this month, parents up and down the country are left feeling an unexpected agony and void as the umbilical cord is cut. Up to this point, all focus has been on nurturing your child and giving them the tools to fly off and thrive. And while you should pat yourself on your back for a job well done, watching them start their adult lives without you can equally feel like a dagger through the heart.
An emotional plea on the 'Rants and Big Pants' forum for midlife women saw worried member Tash ask for tips on how to cope with the grief of empty nesting – and it hit a raw nerve with thousands of her followers and celebrity fans.
"My boys go to uni in a month. I don't sleep at the moment and I feel like my heart's breaking," Tash wrote in the post to her 140k followers. "I know everybody says when they go, you've just got to keep busy. I get that. Of course, I get that. But what do you do in the bits when you're not busy? How the hell do other people cope? I know they're growing up and I know I've got to let them go. I just don't know how to do this. I'm not ready for this. It's taken me 18 years, nearly 19 years and I'm not ready."
Celebrity fans joined in the conversation with their own experiences and tips to cope. "I wish there was a simple answer," said makeup artist Ruby Hammer. "In reality, all you can do is take one day at a time and know you are incredible and have made strong, confident boys who are off to uni… a huge achievement."
Mother of four, Ulrika Jonsson, still feels the pain of when her firstborn headed off to university 13 years ago. "I had these exact feelings," she said. "I couldn't stop crying and I went into mourning for three months; I couldn't go into his room. Every time I laid the table, it was a reminder he was no longer at home and family life was forever changed."
Celebrate how far you've come
As you mop away tears while packing up their duvet, this moment in time is a chance to reframe the loss you are feeling and instead celebrate how far you have come, and look forward to new ways of developing your relationship.
Author of Resilient Grieving, Dr. Lucy Hone, says that children need two things at once - a base to feel comfortable returning to and the freedom to use it as a way to catapult themselves into the big wide world. She describes it as the fine balance between caring and daring.
In her Crossroads Blog she says: "First, you care: you let your children know you're here, that you understand them, that you'll protect, nurture, listen to, and love them. You'll be the constant in their corner.
"Second, you encourage their daring: that inner strength to step out into the world, try new things, take risks, and explore, safe in the knowledge that the nest will always be here for them. They can fly and they can return. They trust in both.
"Understanding this has helped me view our empty nest in a whole new light. Now I look around the empty house and can feel good about it, knowing their absence in itself is a mark of success."
Feeling grief
No matter how prepared you feel you are, the grief of empty nesting can creep up on you, as comedian Cally Beaton and author Adele Parks both spoke about in their recent Second Act podcast episodes. Listen below...
Empty nesting is such an individual experience, but as with most stages of parenthood, this feeling of loss is another stage you have to change and adapt and get used to. If you are gearing up for the emotions of your own empty nest, here are some tips to help you get through it.
Coping with your empty nest
1. Keep busy
When Ulrika Jonsson's son first left home, she felt there was only one way to cope. "I did keep busy," she says. "I cried a lot and stayed in touch with him as much as was possible) without stalking him. Speak to friends. Reach out. Cry. Time will help you adjust. But it's really only time. And staying in touch. It’s so hard."
2. Find a new hobby
One of Tash's fans on Instagram, Nancy Nelson, found a new lease of life and a new hobby when her children left home. Her suggestion? "Buy yourself some roller skates! You will not regret it I promise. My children have flown the nest and I am off to a skate festival in Barcelona (I'm 63 and single)."
3. Be kind to yourself
Chartered psychologist and author of Self-Care for Winter, Suzy Reading, suggests "howling out" the pain when it comes. "The grief is real," she says. "Give yourself time to feel the feelings and find a new rhythm and pulse to life. The connection continues but just in a different form. Be tender with you and draw on the love and support of those around you."
4. Find new rituals
Leaving home is nothing like it was in our generation. Thanks to mobile phones and FaceTime, we are more closely connected to our kids than ever before - which may be the reason it feels so much harder to let them go.
But it can also mean it is easier to keep the relationship alive by tapping into new ways to link up. If you can't rely on them to call every Sunday to catch up - and why should you when they are out with their friends having fun? You could send them a voice note. Swap Spotify playlists or podcasts you think they will find interesting and share photos of the family dog or what you have been up to. (Just not of you sobbing into a pillow!)
Make plans for when you will next see them - but keep it loose and not pressured. And make plans for you. Nothing will make your kids happier and feel more secure than seeing you having your own fun.