"It's a cliché, but I dread my in-laws visiting at Christmas. My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, but my mother-in-law still finds fault with my housekeeping. She makes snide remarks, re-does things, and one year, she even memorably rearranged my cutlery drawer. How do I deal with her?"
By the time Christmas Day arrives, most of us are utterly exhausted and therefore less "receptive" to people telling us that we haven't roasted our potatoes correctly. And Christmas is a time when we're all meant to act like the Waltons, but more frequently end up like the vituperative battling Roys in Succession.
What might seem trivial at a standard Sunday lunch takes on monumental proportions when you're trapped in a genetic pressure cooker with a tsunami of alcohol, empathy levels in drought, and sogging sprouts.
Dig deep
First of all, it's not you, it's them. Remind yourself of this throughout the day. Remember that you are perfect, and everyone else has enough emotional baggage to require a juggernaut. Take deep breaths, feel the milk of human kindness flow through you and keep an eye on the clock. This too will pass.
I'm very keen on bite-sized respite. 10 minutes lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling always decreases my heart rate and increases my bonhomie.
Idle hands make light work
My mother-in-law is perfect. Obviously, I would say that on this very public platform, but over the years we've learnt the art of tolerance and how to navigate the festive period.
She is in charge of table-dressing, flower-arranging, making the Christmas trifle and keeping friends and guests occupied with party games.
© Getty ImagesYou mention yours reordering your cutlery drawer. Why not take delight in one job ticked off your list rather than seeing it as a critique of your homemaking skills? I daresay there's a long list of chores you could set her to; napkin-folding, wine glass-polishing, or maybe even delegate a couple of Christmas dishes to her. That will keep her out of your hair and reduce your workload. Win, win!
Be grateful for the help given and make sure you have a to do list for when she arrives, which will make the festivities feel more like a pleasingly Walton-esque family enterprise than an annual personal ordeal.
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Consider her feelings (sorry!)
For many years, your in-laws were probably the ones in charge of Christmas celebrations. As well as believing there is a "right" way to do things, she may feel that she has lost her power and feel redundant now that you and your husband are the ones hosting and cooking.
It's entirely possible that you wish you were on a Caribbean island being served Pina Coladas (anywhere but a steaming kitchen!), but she might be envious of you, being in the centre of bustling family life.
I know that this all seems like a list of excuses. But you don't have to live with her after all. And Christmas is a time of giving. Give her the gift of charm. Thank her, in the spirit of the season, for rearranging your cutlery drawer. And thank your lucky stars that she can't read your mind.
