When Penny Lancaster opened up about her menopausal rage, it was like she had blown the lid off a taboo that midlife women have been keeping buried for decades. Before the model and recent Second Act podcast guest realised she was going through menopause and discovered HRT, the 54-year-old would feel a "red mist" come over her. In one explosive incident, she shocked her husband, Sir Rod Stewart and their sons Alastair and Aidan, who were ignoring her calls for dinner.
"I threw these plates of food across the kitchen as hard as I could, to make as much noise as I could. As if the noise… as if someone would wake up, someone would notice me, someone would have the answer," she told The Times. "I collapsed on the floor in a heap, burst into tears, shaking in the corner. Of course, Rod just went, 'Boys, in the other room. Leave Mummy'. I was shaking. I thought I was going mad. Rod said, 'Right, we've got to get you to the doctor's. You can't carry on like this. There's got to be an answer. There's got to be something'."
Ask the expert
In her work as a psychotherapist, Jennifer Cox is an expert when it comes to middle-aged female rage and completely empathises with Penny’s situation, which was only resolved after being prescribed HRT. Jennifer wrote a book dealing with the subject - Women are Angry: Why Your Rage is Hiding and How To Let It Out - and has an upcoming talk on the topic, A Guide To Expressing Female Rage. Here she explains what is making women in their second act so angry and what we can do about channelling the anger.
Why do we feel rage in midlife?
As Penny found, midlife is a peak time for women to feel the fury. Yes, there's a hormonal component to this. But the way I see it, as our oestrogen levels decline and we're less driven to reproduce, we're freed to see the situation more clearly. Which means we can react more truthfully to experiences we'd previously have put up with. The other aspect to midlife which is so taxing for women is that this is often peak pressure time in our careers, and for juggling the demands of home life and possibly even ageing parents. We have far too much on our plates – it's no wonder we end up smashing a few.
© Getty ImagesWhat happens when we bottle up our anger?
As women, we haven't typically been taught a vocabulary to express our anger. We've been trained to be good, nice, polite and thoughtful. So, when we feel rage of any kind, we don't recognise it, and it gets absorbed back into our bodies and minds.
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From years of working with female patients, I've found that our repressed anger presents as all sorts of other symptoms – from depression and anxiety, all the way through to migraine, stomach problems and autoimmune disease. But anger is one of the five basic emotions, and there's plenty in society to feel angry about as women. However, when we feel that rise of adrenaline and cortisol (the fight/flight hormones) in response to a situation, we don't normally end up expressing it, because we don't know how. So, as plenty of scientific research demonstrates, the anger sits around in us and does us harm.
When should we worry about the rage?
As long as we're not actively hurting people, anger doesn't have to be a negative emotion. We need to rebrand it for women, because it's often just telling us that something is happening which isn't good for us, and needs to change. I recommend questioning why we're suddenly feeling so aware of our anger. Often when we begin to take our own side on the matter and be more compassionate with ourselves about why we're feeling enraged, we’re less at risk of taking it out on others. Having said that, if that other person is a capable adult, maybe they haven't been treating us well. And maybe they need to hear it.
© Getty ImagesWhat can we do to help ease the midlife rage?
Get it out of our bodies. Penny's instinct to throw and smash is absolutely in line with the signals our body is sending. However, there are ways of releasing this energy before it gets to boiling point. High-impact exercise such as running or kickboxing, or even singing or dancing out our excess feelings, helps discharge them from our bodies before they build to unmanageable levels.
In the moments where you feel the rage has gathered to explosive proportions, leave the room. Take yourself somewhere private such as the bathroom, and run on the spot, star jump vigorously, or do a 'lion's roar' scream - where you silently yell and no sound comes out. Then take a few deep breaths, roll your shoulders and let your brain come back online. Now you're ready to go back in the room, and get yourself properly heard.
© Getty ImagesWhat if I feel shame about my rage?
Be kind to yourself. Ask deeper questions about what's really going on here. Are there some larger changes which need to happen in your life? Do you need those around you to step up and do more? Do you need to speak to the GP about HRT? Would it help to find a therapist who'll help you explore the pressures you feel? Our rage can certainly shock us, because we've been bred to be good girls. But we should never feel ashamed of it. Our fury is a friend – it's trying to tell us something.
