As romantic as the idea of finding out that you're pregnant sounds, it is a truth universally acknowledged by exhausted parents that having children does not strengthen your relationship.
I can see why people who have not yet had children might believe their bond will get stronger post-baby, though. Social media perpetuates this lie; emotional videos of fathers finding a positive pregnancy test wrapped up in an elaborate box, hidden in a cracker, tucked in to the pocket of a suitcase; the shrieks of delight as the gender is revealed, parents covered in either pink or blue powder, grinning now they know whether they're having a boy or a girl as an amassed crowd of friends cheer enthusiastically; the sultry photo shoot of an elegantly swollen belly, parents cradling their bump, waiting patiently for its arrival.
This is all a well-made advert promising parenthood will be the best thing that has ever happened to you as a couple, curated and hopeful and utterly and outrageously dishonest.
The reality of parenthood
It sometimes feels like babies emerge from the uterus, chisel in hand, hell bent on testing your relationship like it's never been tested before.
Until a child is born, a couple generally has just each other to think about.
You both return from stressful/exciting/challenging/rewarding days and have time to listen to each other. The words, 'Tell me about your day, my darling,' are sincere, often accompanied by a large glass of wine and a thoughtfully made dinner roasting in the oven.
Fast forward nine months and add a baby into the mix, those words are delivered very differently - usually through gritted teeth, a tear-stained face and accompanied by a howling baby. And that's not because no one loves motherhood (it's also amazing, I promise), it's because parenthood is hard, it's relentless, it's boring and often, for the first time ever, the parent doing the caring is being neither paid nor appreciated.
It's a job that is so full-time you get neither weekend nor holiday, you're not entitled to a whole night's sleep, let alone sick pay. And as lovely as moments are, it's tough.
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Nurturing your relationship
I've always thought a relationship is like a garden. To thrive and flourish, it needs constant attention and nurturing. It takes time and energy and even when you think there's nothing to be done, you can always find something.
If it's ignored and neglected, it's amazing how quickly it goes to pieces, those once lovely flowers become overwhelmed by weeds; in just months, it's a different beast.
© InstagramAnd when babies are born, relationships are neglected; a baby is so demanding of our time, energy and body, there is simply not the time nor energy to focus on anything else. And certainly no time for any kind of intimacy, because a woman's body doesn't realise contraception exists, it does all it can to ensure she does not get pregnant again quickly, and so with her sanity, goes her libido.
At The Bump Class, which I started to prepare people for pregnancy and beyond, we talk to couples frankly about how their relationships and sexual appetite will change, because if misunderstood, it can have serious consequences. A partner might interpret this as no longer being fancied, when really, it's all tied up in the hormonal thunderstorm of delivering a baby.
And therein lies the solution. Not all marriages break up in the aftermath of children. The majority don't, in fact, but pretty much all parents admit that at some point, they've struggled.
There is no magic solution, no parenting hack that delivers the Instagram version of parenthood, but what always helps is communication.
Yes, being a parent will test your relationship more than it has ever been tested before, but it also allows it to grow, to enter a new realm of respect, love, admiration and friendship.
Repair from rupture
Psychologists often talk about the good that comes from repair following rupture, the idea that if you mend something that was broken, it emerges stronger than it ever was before. I do, sincerely, believe this is true of parenthood.
At The Bump Class we encourage couples to be vulnerable, not to be ashamed of the fact that they aren't superheroes, that sometimes they will struggle to cope with the change, the chaos, the lack of control and freedom that comes with being a parent, but that all of this is okay, it's fixable.
But putting on a brave face, some blusher and an Instagram filter and pretending all is okay when you're crumbling inside, is not going to help anyone, least of all your child.
© InstagramMaking relationships work
Continue to invest in each other, make time for each other, not occasionally, but regularly. Date night might be a cliché but it's also a marriage saver.
Child-free holidays are too – whether it's a night in the Cotswolds or a week in the Caribbean, time alone, just the two of you, will give you the chance to reconnect, to remember why you fell in love in the first place.
Remember, when we say 'I do,' we promise to love each other forever. When our babies are born, we promise them the same, but they don't say it back. Our children are borrowed, you see; one day they will become independent, pursue passions that we have no role in, and fall in love with people who aren't their parents.
What they'll thank us for in the long term are not the smartphones we bought them or the holidays we took them on. It’s the model for what a healthy relationship looks like, that it has ups and downs, times when it thrives and times when it struggles, but that a lot can be fixed with honesty, time and attention.
