With an overflow of expert opinions and mounting pressure from societal expectations, parenting has never been more complex. It's hard to know how to approach the many aspects of raising the next generation, and despite a pile of parenting books collecting dust in the corner of the room, finding a clear path forward can be difficult to navigate. Each parent has their own tastes and styles, and each child will respond differently to tactics and boundary setting. That's why experts have come up with a new way of parenting, which they feel can help alleviate the stress placed on parents' shoulders to be hard-lined and painfully strict. Cue soft parenting - a phrase that encompasses a parenting style without blame, shame or punishment.
What is soft parenting?
Traditionally, "good" parenting has been characterised by hard boundary setting that is established by yelling, rules, aggressive communication and a one-way conversation. In this new era of soft parenting, that construct is being flipped on its head. Instead of a dictatorship style of communicating with children, this new phenomenon encourages a two-way chat between parent and child.
Psychologist, parenting expert and wellbeing strategist Angela Cook told HELLO!: "Soft parenting is often misunderstood. It’s not about being permissive or passive - it’s about being responsive, intentional, and emotionally attuned. True softness is like water: gentle to the touch, yet powerful enough to carve through stone."
She continued: "Psychological research confirms that gentle discipline - when paired with clarity and consistency - leads to healthier emotional development and meaningful parent-child relationships. Studies show that children thrive when parents regulate their own emotions, help children name and frame theirs, and use affection to build trust and safety."
Not to be confused with gentle parenting, while similar in style, soft parenting refers to a style that leans towards accommodating a child's desires while gentle parenting is often interpreted as a style that distinctively sets clear boundaries.
Why yelling doesn't work
There are plenty of myths out there about the best way to break through to children, and one of them lies with yelling as a form of communication. Raising voices and asserting rules through aggression rarely forms the respect needed to encourage and cement constant discipline. Loud yelling can trigger fear and anxiety in children, especially if they are young, which results in a focus on anger and resentment as opposed to a focus on the message that the parent is trying to communicate.
Clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn reflected on the negative effects of a childhood that included yelling and outlined how it can transpire in adults who then become parents themselves. She told Psychology Today: "I also recognise that if a parent endured a childhood with toxic yelling, any yelling likely feels dangerous. It can trigger emotional flashbacks from the parent's own childhood and kick off their body’s fear response. For parents with this history, yelling constitutes a mind-body experience different from those of us without this history."
© Getty ImagesSetting boundaries without losing your cool
While a difficult feat during moments of conflict, high stress and frustration, the ability to set boundaries in a calm, controlled fashion is invaluable. According to maternal mental and emotional health expert Darcey Croft: "When parents can stay grounded, children usually settle much faster. It is not magic. It is just nervous system science."
In order to do this without yelling or raising your voice in a negative way, Darcey recommends "taking a couple of slow breaths before you speak, getting down to their height or using clear, steady words helps the child feel safe. And when children feel safe, they listen better".
It is vital that parents adopt a calming energy, define their limits clearly, and communicate them directly to the child they are trying to set a boundary with. Consistency is key here, so it may help to prepare a plan for how to react if the boundary is crossed and follow through with that action plan on a regular basis to create a new norm.
Managing your own emotions
So much of the focus is placed on managing the emotions of the child, but soft parenting is also about minding a parent's emotions as well. Setting firm boundaries in a calm manner and refraining from yelling can be tiring and emotionally draining for parents so it is important to check in with yourself to understand how you are coping with everything. According to Mindheus youth therapy services, parents need to "focus on self-regulation by taking a pause to breathe before reacting, identifying your triggers, and prioritising self-care like getting enough rest".
Angela explained: "Studies show that children thrive when parents regulate their own emotions, help children name and frame theirs, and use affection to build trust and safety. This mirrors what we know from developmental psychology: children learn emotional regulation by watching their caregivers. When parents yell, children internalise chaos. When parents respond with calm firmness, children internalise safety and stability. Softness is not weakness. Ineffective parenting lacks boundaries. Soft parenting, when done well, is firm, consistent, and deeply respectful."
She offered some advice for any parents who were struggling to remain calm in frustrating situations and said, "My advice to parents is, the next time you feel the urge to yell, pause. Breathe. Lead like water - soft, strong, and steady. Your child is watching. Let them see the power of peace - and remember peace is not passive."
© Getty ImagesHow to repair after yelling
Nothing is perfect, so of course, there will be times when old habits rear their heads and situations become too overwhelming to remember the pillars of soft parenting. Yelling will happen, and frustration will boil over into a harsh conversation that may result in conflict. When this happens, there are certain techniques that can be used to reset the relationship after an outburst of anger. Firstly, the parent needs to ensure they have calmed themselves down to a point of being able to communicate clearly and without angry emotion.
Next, it is important that the child is not blamed for the outburst and that time is spent together to reconnect through affection or a shared activity. Darcey outlined: "Most parents know it far too well. They shout, and a wave of guilt hits them straight afterwards. Guilt is not a sign that you are failing. It is a sign that you care deeply about your child. Being kind to your own nervous system is part of the process. Drink some water infused with isomum electrolytes, get a bit of fresh air, and breathe."
She continued sharing her advice, and said, "Give your body a chance to come back online. Something like 'That was a hard moment for both of us. Come here, we are okay', is usually enough to reconnect. Children do not need perfect parents. They need repair, warmth and consistency."
When to seek support
They say it takes a village to raise children, and this has never been truer than in the case of soft parenting. Everyone needs a helping hand every once in a while, so when things get too overwhelming, it is important that parents seek help, whether that be professional or from loved ones.
When parents feel strategies aren't working, overwhelm is setting in or behavioural challenges are proving too difficult to manage alone, then it is advised to reach out for support. Plenty of therapists or support groups have specialised in this area and can be called on to lend a hand when all else has failed. Groups such as YoungMinds, Family Action and the NSPCC are on hand to call when things get tough.
