It's not often I say, "think of the men", what with their patriarchal advantages. But it has to be admitted that they may find the menopausal years hard too. Menopause affects everyone – friends, family and partners, whether male or female – and I have long advocated for education for all.
How can our partners be expected to sympathise when they may have no idea what's involved? There are at least 50 symptoms of menopause, from psychological ones such as brain fog, insomnia, mood changes and anxiety to the physical ones – hot flushes, headaches, skin changes, weight gain and teeth problems.
It is no coincidence – or surprise – that relationships often break down when we are in our forties.
You first
First of all, educate yourself. This is easier said than done, because there is still no automatic menopause education for women. It's only a significant transition for half the population, so why would there be?
Thankfully, there are a number of excellent resources. My 2021 book, Cracking the Menopause, contains an entire chapter on how it affects relationships, whether heterosexual or same-sex, and there are many other books outlining the basic biological facts. Incidentally, I don’t recommend looking on social media for your menopause education.
Communicate
My key recommendation is communication. Tell your partner what your physical symptoms are and how you feel. Explain that it's not their fault, and if there is something they can do to support you, let them know.
Don't expect them to automatically understand and then feel resentful if they don't.
There are various scientific studies looking at men's knowledge and feelings about the menopause. In a 2020 survey of 1,500 menopausal women and 500 male partners in the UK, 77% of men said they had noticed a change in their partner's moods, and 40% said their partner was always tired.
This is, I would suggest, a global problem.
A 2019 Mate survey of 450 men in the US found that 63% felt their partner's menopause had affected them – and many noted the emotional strain on their relationship. Fewer than half were aware of solutions such as HRT. It's tempting to be sarcastic, but actually, we need to play our part.
Break it down
If your partner doesn't want to read up on the subject, you can explain what menopause is – a straightforward analogy is always the idea of it being puberty in reverse. If you have teenagers, use them as evidence of how hormones can affect the body. I'm sure examples of mood swings will be plentiful!
Also ensure that you mention the importance of oestrogen to the female body. As this fluctuates and depletes, we might experience menopausal symptoms, most of which aren't visible to the naked eye and include the long-term effects of low oestrogen on the heart and bones.
Loss of libido
Vitally, you must discuss sex if you aren't feeling the love, because partners may assume that it's to do with your relationship rather than hormonal changes.
It's impossible to give exact statistics, but it appears that 50% of women (at least, I'd say) – and therefore their partners – find their sex life is affected at this time of life. Oestrogen can affect libido, and vaginal dryness and pain during sex are very common, but there are solutions, so don’t suffer in silence.
It's incredibly hard to bring up this subject, but believe me, it is in both your interests. I am heartened by the fact that sex in midlife is an increasingly discussed topic and that the benefits of vaginal oestrogen are now widely recognised.
In return, of course, we can reasonably expect our partners to be respectful and supportive. And if they aren’t, that's on them and repercussions must be expected!