Having too many invitations to parties and gatherings over the festive season may not feel like a bad problem to have, but if you're feeling overwhelmed with social events and responsibilities, you may be wondering how to politely decline.
There's no need to feel guilty about saying no to social plans, though, according to a psychotherapist. Setting healthy boundaries and protecting your own well-being is more important than showing face at an event you don't actually want to attend. Here's how to say no without feeling bad about it…
Why is it hard to say no to social invitations?
Firstly, why is it so hard to turn down invitations in the first place? "As social animals, we’re wired to automatically say yes to any form of social bonding or connection. On a primal level, to say no means risking your place in the pack, and the sense of safety and belonging that it provides," says Daren Banarsë, a Senior Psychotherapist and Researcher at IN Therapy.
"You can take this too far - if you’re a 'yes person', you're always doing your best to please others. It becomes an addiction when you’ve become so identified with being a good person that you lose any sense of your own needs."
There is an element of fear of missing out, or FOMO, when we turn down social plans too. "The FOMO can be overwhelming, but you can change your response to it by pausing and checking in with your body," Daren suggests. "Try staying with the uncomfortable sensations until they pass - they always do. Then you’ll be free to make a more rational and informed decision about whether or not to accept the invitation."
What are the signs you’re overcommitting during the Christmas season?
© Getty Images/iStockphotoThere are some signs you may be stretching yourself too much over Christmas - both physical and mental, as the psychotherapist explains: "When you overcommit during the Christmas season, it can put your nervous system into a state of chronic stress or hyper-arousal. You’ll feel more than just tired - you might have a chronic low-level headache, be more prone to catching bugs, or even have problems with your digestion. They’re all signs that your body’s diverting precious resources from your immune system to keep you in a ‘fight or flight’ state."
Other things you should look out for include feeling irritable, getting easily agitated, or snapping at family members. "This can be amplified by having trouble sleeping. When your nervous system is overstimulated, there’s no capacity left for either patience or relaxation," Daren says.
Why is it so important to rest?
© Alamy Stock PhotoThe symptoms above are signs you need to rest, something all of us need, no matter what time it is or the obligations we may have. "When you’re truly resting, you’re turning off the ‘fight or flight’ branch of your nervous system and activating the ‘rest and digest’ aspect. This is the only state where your body can repair cellular damage, regulate your hormones, and restore your emotional regulation," Daren says. "Being fully rested allows you to be fully present and engaged when you’re socialising, and minimises social anxiety and fatigue."
Tips for managing social anxiety during the Christmas period
For some of us, one of the reasons for cancelling plans may be down to experiencing social anxiety and feeling nervous about group gatherings. However, with some careful planning, you can overcome social anxiety and avoid missing out. Daren said, "When you’re feeling socially anxious, there are a few techniques I recommend which keep you calm and grounded." They include:
- Focus on feet: "The simplest method is to focus on the sensations of your feet on the floor. It initiates a relaxing release throughout the body.
- Practice breathing: "You can then try a breathing technique called 'following the breath' - just observe the movement of the breath as it comes in and out of your body, without making any changes." He adds: "Try practising these techniques for a few days before the social occasion while you’re on your own. It will make it easier to slip into a calm place when you need to."
- Have an exit plan: "A good strategy is to pre-plan your departure time beforehand and tell the host your plans when you arrive. This will take the pressure off your nervous system and relieve the constant anxiety about when you’ll get to leave," the psychotherapist says.
- Take breaks: "When you feel overwhelmed, take a micro-break - a trip to the bathroom or a walk around the block - enjoy the silence and check in with what your body needs."
How to handle guilt after saying no to plans
© Getty ImagesFeeling guilty is natural if you feel like you're letting people down, but following these recommendations may help you overcome it. "Being able to say no to plans is a sign of having healthy boundaries - it’s saying yes to your own needs and wellbeing. But that doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad about it. If you feel guilty, simply acknowledge it as a feeling," Daren says.
"You don’t have to analyse or explain it - notice what it feels like in the body. Stay with the sensation without judgment - this gives you the valuable perspective needed to process and release it in a healthy way."
