We've all been there, sitting on the couch for the umpteenth weekend in a row, shunning date nights for tracksuits and takeaways, watching relationships play out in movies and on TV shows, wishing our real-life partners were a little more like our favourite BookTok hero or heroine. The more comfortable a relationship becomes, the more complacency and boredom creep in, threatening to bench romance once and for all. But all is not lost, boredom can be temporary, and there are plenty of ways excitement can be injected back into a stale relationship. HELLO! spoke with experts to find out exactly how to spice up your real-life romance, one small, yet intimate, act at a time.
Why relationships can start to feel boring
When the initial rush of excitement - driven by novelty and uncertainty - fades into comfort and routine, relationships can start to feel too comfortable, stale and boring. Early in a relationship, when you have only just met one another, tension is high and the brain releases large levels of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward, in response to new experiences and the promise of a new romantic spark.
Over time, as the relationship progresses and partners become more emotionally familiar and secure with each other, that initial spark, or dopamine surge, naturally decreases. In its place, feelings of stability and safety take over rather than thrill and uncertain butterflies. This shift from passion to predictability can make daily life together feel repetitive, even though, in actuality, it reflects a deeper bond between the two people. Electrifying encounters with an unknown person become ordinary, mundane life, but that doesn't mean the love has disappeared; it only indicates the brain and body have settled into the calm rhythm of emotional security.
Relationship therapist, Michaela Murphy, told HELLO!: "A relationship can feel stale and boring for a variety of reasons; the demands of work, raising children, caring for elderly parents can mean quality time together slips off our list of priorities. We stop seeing our partner as the individual we once fell in love with and more like a cog in the machine."
Is boredom a red flag or a normal phase?
Once a relationship hits a boredom stage for either one or both of the partners, it is stagnant and needs reinvigorating to bring it back to life. While totally normal against the context of busy daily lives and other stresses, it can raise more of a red flag if it stays boring for too long. The key to eradicating the staleness of a partnership is action, so the sooner that happens, the better.
Sofie Roos, a licensed relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, emphasised: "It’s normal to get into a phase where the relationship gets boring, especially when the everyday routine takes over. A good first step is to talk about what feels boring and why in an open, honest and respectful way."
The best way to understand if your current feeling of boredom is simply just the effect of life's challenges or more than that, is to ask yourself a number of questions about your current partnership. Are you still communicating and really listening and talking about things that matter, not just trivial things? Do you make time for shared fun or new experiences? And, are you emotionally or physically distant more often than not? Once you have answered these for yourself, you will be able to understand the direction your relationship is heading in.
Signs your relationship needs a reboot
There are a number of ways to understand if your relationship is one that needs a breath of life and a vital reboot. Consider the following, and if one or more are happening, or not happening, then perhaps a change is needed. Conversations are starting to feel transactional, and you prioritise everything else over time together. Physical affection is rare, and you’ve stopped trying new things as a couple. Finally and most importantly, resentment or irritation creeps in.
How to bring back the spark
Never fear, there are ways to save a boring relationship that are fairly easy to implement into normal, everyday life. From date nights to intimate eye contact or allowing one another to miss each other, a little goes a long way here. Michaela emphasised the need to reconnect and shared her tips on how to do so.
She said: "Make a point of looking at your partner across the room when you're at a social gathering. Seeing them in animated conversation, or helping flip the burgers on the BBQ, offers you the chance to take an 'observer perspective'. If you were strangers, how would you see that person with fresh eyes?
"Rediscover the surprise in each other. Esther Perel tells us desire and eroticism live in the 'space between the self and the other', when we're too close, too enmeshed, there's no mystery," the expert urged.
When boredom might mean something deeper
Sometimes boredom can be more than just a side effect of comfort. It can be a sign of emotional withdrawal or growing incompatibility. If you find yourself feeling more like roommates than partners, or are feeling unseen or misunderstood, the issue might run deeper than just routine getting in the way. In this situation, a professional perspective in the form of a relationship counsellor could be helpful to identify the problem and find a solution.
Expert-approved tips to stay connected long-term
"Date nights have their place but if it comes with undue amounts of childcare stress, then simply having dinner at home but lighting candles, choosing music over TV, can set the tone for greater emotional intimacy. Even the simple, low-cost act of lighting a candle sends a message of care and energy going into the relationship," Michaela suggested.
She continued: "I'm a big fan of 'borrowing other people's energy' - going out somewhere together that already offers a positive vibe can kick start the energy in your relationship - going to a gig, going out dancing, dining in a lively restaurant, getting drinks in a beautiful bar. Let the venue and the activity do some of the heavy lifting for you!"
Sofie added: "I truly recommend trying something new together, something that breaks the routine… small things like having a night in, where you make each other drinks, to cook a really nice meal together while listening to a new album of your favourite artist, or to make a painting together.
"Rediscover the things you liked to do when you first met, or start building up something new together, like setting a shared goal, starting with a new hobby or having a shared project. Also, try to be more spontaneous and open-minded to do things, no matter if it’s going to a concert with short notice, attending a stand-up gig, or surprising your partner with a weekday dinner date at home! And lastly, don’t forget to appreciate each other more. Affirmation and compliments give you energy and an interest in investing in your relationship to make it more fun."