Skip to main contentSkip to footer

The 8 stages of post-Christmas dieting we all know too well

Share this:

Men and women across the UK are currently embarking on a detox in a bid to undo all of that indulgent Christmas damage (all the cheese boards, chocolates and prosecco – we're looking at you).

But losing weight isn't anywhere near as easy as putting it on. In fact, dieting can be downright torture! Anyone who has ever attempted to diet will know these eight stages of dieting very well...

1.   It's a New Year, New You

The New Year's festivities are over, you've (very reluctantly) got on the scales and realised it's bad – you need to do something asap. Cue panic buying of trendy new diet books, binning all food that looks vaguely appealing and raiding the supermarket for brown rice, broccoli and bone broth (Hemsley and Hemsley told us we needed it, OK?).


2.   You're super motivated. #Willpower

Nothing can bring you down: you've swapped your Dominos app for My Fitness Pal; sourced hundreds of motivational quotes that include 'Sweat is just your fat crying' and 'Nothing taste as good as skinny feels' (thanks, Kate Moss) and printed off pictures of yourself from 10-15 years ago to pin on the fridge.


3.   Dieting is so easy

You're two days in and on top of the world. You feel amazing, you're glowing and salad never tasted so good. You can't imagine yourself pre-diet and you'll never, EVER go back to eating junk food. Ew.


4.   You preach to anyone who'll listen

Because you've found yourself, nutritionally, you want others to experience the same enlightenment. So you start giving out tips you've read in one of your trendy books, wax lyrical about the evil substance that is sugar, and use every possible opportunity to spread your new-found nutritional knowledge (avocado is a good fat, guys).


5.   You hit a wall

It's day 4 and suddenly dieting isn't so easy. A total lack of carbs and sugar has turned your healthy glow into a pallid grey, you can't stop thinking about cheese toasties and you totally overreact to your colleague's suggestion of Dominos for lunch.

Everywhere you look you see delicious, sugary food crying out to be eaten... By you, specifically. And now. Right now.


6.   Cheat day

Aha! All is not lost; you just need a cheat day! That's definitely the solution – you'll simply eat whatever you want for just one day, satisfy your cravings, then you'll get straight back to your 1,000 calories a day tomorrow, refreshed and revived! Genius!


7.   Total diet meltdown

... It didn't quite go to plan. Cheat day ended at 1am after turning every cupboard in the house upside down and consuming well over three days' worth of calories. You woke up the next morning feeling... Hungry. How? You don't know but at this point, you don't care. You just don't want to think about pale porridge with skimmed milk and kale and lentils, the only thing that will get you going is a hearty portion of eggs and avocado on bread. White bread. With butter.


8.   Diet starts on Monday

'Cause that's what Mondays are for, right?



More Beauty

See more