It's not you, it's them: How to handle 'problematic' people, according to a psychologist

What does it mean to be a problematic person? While we could define such an individual as someone who fails to adhere to established social norms, the reality is far more nuanced. 

Psychologist Sandra Sanchez explains: "A 'problematic' person isn't always trying to create problems for others; sometimes, their behaviour is simply the only way they've been taught to interact."

This behaviour does not always imply a deliberate intent to provoke conflict; rather, it may be rooted in behavioural patterns developed over many years. (Note that it may also be a symptom of underlying neurodivergence or trauma.)

To properly understand this phenomenon, we must examine what defines a 'problematic' person, what does not and how best to navigate these situations.

What is a problematic person? Key characteristics and psychology

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According to Sanchez, a 'problematic' person typically exhibits self-centred behaviour rooted firmly in the present. "These people tend to prioritise their immediate needs, without considering the consequences of their actions on others," she explains. This mindset often results in an inability to take responsibility, a lack of long-term foresight and a somewhat superficial approach to decision-making.

This kind of individual frequently forces shifts in their social environment. "Those around them often feel obliged to change their routines to accommodate them, which complicates living together and reinforces the 'problematic' label," Sanchez adds. This dynamic can rapidly lead to emotional exhaustion within interpersonal relationships.

It's important to note that being a 'problematic' person does not inherently make one a 'bad' person. Often, these behaviours are the result of deep-seated insecurities, a deficit of emotional tools or ingrained habits. Nevertheless, understanding the root cause does not excuse the behaviour, particularly when it has a damaging impact on those around them.

Misconceptions: High responsibility vs problematic behaviour

Not everyone who faces significant challenges or shoulders additional responsibilities should be labelled 'problematic'. For instance, an individual who is fiercely protective of loved ones or who habitually takes on others' burdens might appear "difficult" at first glance, yet these actions are typically well-intentioned.

"The difference lies in the intention and the impact," Sanchez clarifies. "Someone who takes on other people's problems to help isn't trying to create conflict, whereas a problematic person tends to create conflict situations as part of their daily interactions." 

This distinction underscores the vital need to analyse both the context and the underlying motivations behind a person's behaviour.

Why some people consistently create conflict

As previously noted, problematic behaviour does not emerge overnight; it is typically the culmination of ingrained behavioural tendencies. According to the psychologist, a failure to address these actions or a lack of accountability can cause these attitudes to set in. "When these behaviours aren't addressed, they become very difficult to change," she explains.

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Several factors contribute to the development of this type of behaviour:

• A lack of self-control: An inability to regulate impulses and emotional responses.
• The normalisation of toxic reactions: Behaviours that have been treated as acceptable or "normal" since childhood.
• Permissive environments: External influences that reward or reinforce selfish and irresponsible attitudes.

Breaking these habits demands a conscious effort and, more often than not, professional support. "The first step is becoming aware of the problem, which doesn't always happen naturally," Sanchez affirms. 

At times, life-altering events such as illness or bereavement act as catalysts for change. In other instances, a more incremental, structured approach to personal growth is required.

How to stop being a 'problematic' person 

In the majority of cases, individuals described as problematic are well aware that they are causing issues. "Problematic people are usually aware that their behaviour generates conflict, but they don't always have the necessary tools to change," Sanchez points out. This difficulty often stems from a deficit in emotional skills or an environment that inadvertently reinforces long-standing tendencies.

One's social environment also plays a pivotal role in this process. Organisations that validate or tolerate problematic behaviour make personal growth significantly harder, whereas positive support networks can make the transition much smoother. "It's important to surround yourself with people who encourage growth and change," Sanchez advises.

If you're reading this and identifying with the 'problematic' label, it is vital to know that change is entirely possible. However, transformation does not happen overnight. The psychologist suggests a four-step method for dismantling these behaviours, though she warns that the process demands both patience and consistency. "It's easy to fall back into old patterns, so change should be supervised by professionals," she adds.

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The 4-step method for personal change

• Stop: Pause before reacting on impulse. This helps to interrupt conflict-driven reactions and prevents immediate negative consequences.
• Analyse: Reflect on your intentions versus the actual impact of your actions. "Ask yourself: is this what I want? What should I change?" Sanchez suggests.
• Change: Pinpoint a healthier, more constructive alternative to your usual response.
• Act: Put the new strategy into practice and observe whether it creates a positive shift in your environment.

Psychological strategies for changing toxic behaviour

The psychologist reminds us that moving away from unhelpful habits requires significant discipline and a properly structured approach to change. To facilitate this transition, the expert recommends several key strategies:

• Seek professional guidance: Psychologists can steer the process and provide practical coping mechanisms tailored to your needs.
• Establish new habits: Actively replace negative behaviours with healthier, more constructive practices through repetition.
• Remain open to assistance: Cultivate the humility to be receptive to outside advice and constructive criticism.
• Conquer the fear of failure: Lasting change involves experimentation and, inevitably, the occasional setback or mistake.
• Foster support networks: Surround yourself with individuals who champion your personal growth and hold you accountable.

How to support and live with a "difficult" personality

Living with someone who exhibits problematic behaviour is no easy feat, particularly whilst they are in the midst of trying to change. Sanchez suggests that those in the individual's inner circle should adjust their expectations and acknowledge the genuine effort being made. "It is essential to accept that change won't be immediate or perfect," she notes.

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Accepting the individual and working collectively to find a common ground can vastly improve your life together. While a "problematic" person may never fully alter their nature to suit others, it is entirely possible to strike a balance that reduces friction and strengthens the relationship.

Ultimately, while these personality traits can certainly strain social dynamics, tangible tools and strategies exist to address the behaviour and support growth. "The process is difficult, but with the right guidance and necessary commitment, it's possible to transform toxic patterns into healthy behaviour," concludes Sanchez.

About the expert:

Sandra Sanchez is a registered psychologist associated with Siquia, a well-known Spain-based online therapy platform.