"When will I finally be enough?" It's a question many of us ask ourselves when we are exhausted by the weight of others' expectations. It isn't necessarily a fair question, but rather a reflection of the emotional baggage we carry - often a result of the ways we navigated our earliest environments during childhood.
Psychologist and author Nataxa Ruzafa is a specialist in self-esteem and emotional management. In this fascinating Q&A, she explains how we can all embrace our past to find security and safety in the present.
How does generational trauma influence our self-esteem and our personal relationships?
"Generational trauma - also known as intergenerational or transgenerational trauma - tends to be very limiting. It occurs when the traumatic experiences of one generation are passed down to the next.
"Just as family stories are handed down… so too are emotional wounds, unhealthy patterns and ways of viewing the world. The good news is that this legacy doesn't have to define us. Healing is possible. By becoming aware of these patterns and working to build new ways of relating, we can break the cycle and form healthier bonds."
© Getty ImagesWhat are the signs that we are unknowingly repeating family patterns?
"It starts with taking time to reflect and observe. It is often easier to do this with a therapist, but to identify these inherited patterns, you can begin by asking yourself:
- Do I react in ways that remind me of a specific family member during high-pressure situations?
- Do I find it difficult to discuss certain emotions because of how my family traditionally reacted to them?
- Have I noticed the same behaviours cropping up again and again in my family history?
"If you recognise yourself in these questions, I want to offer you a huge hug and encourage you to seek professional help. These patterns can be addressed and healed in therapy."
Why do we feel so much guilt when distancing ourselves from family, even if they are 'toxic'?
"Feeling guilt or fear when setting boundaries with family is incredibly common. It’s rooted in psychological and cultural conditioning that begins in childhood…
"To manage this guilt and fear in therapy, we work on the idea that prioritising your well-being isn't selfish - it's self-respect… Distancing ourselves doesn't always mean cutting off contact entirely; it means learning to protect our emotional peace."
In your writings, you mention the importance of healing the "inner child". How do we begin the process?
"Healing our inner child does not mean erasing the past, but learning to look at it with compassion. It means working towards a point where the 'adult you' can today offer the 'child you' what they lacked back then.
"You can’t go back in time to give your younger self the security they missed out on, but you can learn to 'reparent' that inner child - building a secure, healthy relationship with yourself and those around you"
"The first thing that should be addressed is recognising and reconnecting with your inner child. Then, validating and identifying her emotional needs. Tools like letter writing can be incredibly powerful for reframing any limiting beliefs."
What are the most common mistakes we make when trying to manage our emotional wounds?
"What I often see in my practice is people doubting their own emotional needs. That self-judgment is often a symptom of the wound itself. They judge their own feelings as 'excessive' or constantly question whether what they feel is 'right.'"
How do family expectations contribute to the feeling of "not being enough"?
"We are all enough, but we aren't always taught to see it. Family expectations influence us; from an early age, we learn to value ourselves based on whether we meet the standards imposed on us. If we don’t fit the 'role' demanded by the family, it makes us uncomfortable, and we develop a deep sense of inadequacy."
© Getty ImagesWhat role does compassion, both towards ourselves and our family, play in healing?
"Compassion is essential. It sounds like a cliché, but shifting from a critical inner dialogue to an understanding one changes everything. If we can look at our own story with kindness, it becomes much easier to view others from that same place."
Many people work on their self-esteem but 'relapse' during times of stress. How can we avoid this?
"We all have moments where we lose our cool or fall back into old patterns, even if we've been doing the inner work. In critical moments, the mind returns to what is familiar, especially when we feel vulnerable. The key is awareness. Identify the slip-up, learn from it - and commit to trying again.
"If you identify your mistakes but still feel overwhelmed or incapable of changing certain patterns, it's okay. We can't always handle everything alone, and it's fine to ask for help."
Is it possible to heal without directly confronting your family?
"Reviewing the past - and talking about it - helps us to understand ourselves, as well as see where we come from and where we are today. Family relationships don't come out of nowhere; they're the result of past burdens, inheritances and dynamics that have been established over time. Facing the past allows us to healthily open the doors to the present and future; what has happened to us will be a lighter load once we have processed it.
"Where and with whom we open up and process our pain is up to the individual. Therapy can be a good place. It is not always necessary to talk openly with family figures to heal. If it were, people who have lost their parents would never be able to move on.
"When you've experienced a difficult childhood, it's common to, as an adult, feel the need to let the responsible figure know about our trauma. So, if you do choose to speak your truth to them, I recommend doing so from your 'adult self' using assertive communication."
© Getty ImagesAt what age should we start working on emotional management to avoid carrying baggage into adulthood?
"From the very beginning. Everything is emotional management. It should be a thread that runs through every stage of life, but it is never too late to start."
What advice would you give to those who feel they will never be enough for others?
"Whether or not we are 'enough' for others is often entirely out of our hands. Still, it's important to pinpoint exactly what is driving that sense of inadequacy, because none of us are immune to our surroundings. To find that inner sense of self, you must learn to prioritise self-care and surround yourself with people who truly uplift you.
Learning about emotional management ideally begins during childhood, but it is never too late to start
"It takes a bit of soul-searching to rebuild self-image. Feeling 'not good enough' is incredibly restrictive; it prevents you from being fair to yourself. If you grew up with conditional love, you may end up tying your self-worth to your achievements because those were the only moments you felt validated. Unlearning that is a journey.
"You can’t go back in time to give your younger self the security they missed out on, but you can learn to 'reparent' that inner child - building a secure, healthy relationship with yourself and those around you. You deserve it."
About the expert:
Nataxa Ruzafa is a psychologist specialising in self-esteem and family bonds. She is the author of the Spanish-language book When Will I Be Enough? (¿Cuándo seré suficiente?)
