The unrealistic demand that can break a blended family, according to a separation expert

According to statistics, blended families generally take anything from two to seven years to settle in and children find themselves in a completely new setup where countless variables come into play: existing routines, emotional baggage, newly defined roles, adjusting to new people, and so on.

What is the main challenge facing blended families? "The primary difficulty isn't just one thing, but rather a complex mix of factors," says Rocío López de la Chica, author and co-founder of Creada (Conscious Separations), a Spain-based company which assists those going through a separation with everything from psychological support to legal guidance.

"Blended families are inherently complicated structures: there are multiple relationships, unresolved feelings of loss, idealised expectations, and a huge variety of emotional requirements all clashing together," she adds.

The author says that one "common pitfall" of this type of relationship is trying to operate like a conventional family, without properly acknowledging the unique nature of the new arrangement. 

"This inevitably leads to disappointment, emotional detachment, and often, the relationship breaking down… This isn't because they are doomed to fail, but because the situation requires deep awareness and an effort to sustain themselves through love, honesty, and a broad perspective."

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When is a relationship mature enough to introduce your partner's children? How should you do it?

"There isn't an exact date or a timer that marks the ideal moment. The key is for the children to have had time to emotionally process their parents' separation. If that first change hasn't been dealt with yet, adding another can be overwhelming. It's also essential to ask yourself whether your relationship with your new partner is stable and long-term.

"In any case, the introduction should be done with honesty, using age-appropriate language and without rushing - but also without hiding anything that could break trust. This is because children are intuitive; they perceive and feel. And when adults act authentically and are present, they feel safe.

"So, when the moment of that introduction arrives, it's important to do it naturally. It helps if the meeting takes place in a neutral location; that's more helpful than doing it in someone's home. If it's centred around a fun activity that the children like, all the better - that way the joy factor is present. 

"Don't drag out the first meeting... and it's also important that you've told the children about the new partner in advance, so they've had a chance to get to know them long-distance."

How can the conflict of loyalties that children might feel toward their parents be resolved?

"The loyalty conflict arises when children feel that by enjoying time with one parent's new partner, they're betraying the other parent. They may not express it, but they're feeling both guilt and pain.

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"This isn't caused by the separation itself, but by how we, as adults, relate to each other. If we disparage the other parent, even through silence or gestures, we send the message that it's not okay to love them. The solution involves something as difficult as it is essential: respecting the place the other person holds in the children's hearts, even if they no longer hold a place in ours.

"It's a difficult situation because we can't control how our former partner acts, but we have to take 100% responsibility for our own actions to avoid adding to the children's conflicted feelings. We should be a safe space where they can alleviate that guilt and suffering.

"It gets complicated when they show anger and rejection towards you; you must try to avoid being provoked. However, for the sake of the children or teens, it's necessary to look past the behaviour and understand the internal suffering that leads them to act and feel that way...

"This allows us to support them as they need: by validating what they feel, naming what they are going through and making them feel safe to be themselves without having to choose sides."

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Is it absolutely necessary to get along well with your new partner's children for the new family to function properly?

"An immediate or perfect connection isn't necessary, but it is crucial that there is respect and a relationship that can be built on authenticity. Expecting to love your own children and your partner's children equally is an unrealistic demand: love is built, and the bonds are different. The important thing isn't to fake an affection you don't yet feel, but to show emotional availability to gradually create a genuine and respectful relationship."

Is it common for there to be problems between the children from each partner who are living together?

"It's very common. Even if the children got along before, cohabitation changes everything. They go from being 'friends' to 'step-siblings' and this brings new jealousies, rivalries and fears. The key is to support them emotionally, validate what they feel, lower adult expectations and respect their pace. Sometimes we force an idealised living situation on them that doesn't fit their real needs. Listening, being flexible and allowing exclusive time with [their respective] parents can make all the difference.

"It's also important not to intervene in conflicts [between the kids] as if you were a judge. Instead to always listen to all sides, hear how each person feels and then help them come up with solutions so they're involved in resolving the issue themselves.

"By sensing that the adults are not taking sides but that everyone is heard, seen and taken into account, conflicts are resolved by reducing possible rivalry between them. And the exclusive time with each parent helps to alleviate any potential jealousy."

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How can the different traditions of each part of the blended family be reconciled?

"By honouring origins without imposing them. A blended family is not built on uniformity but on the integration of differences. It's about making space for what each side brings, discussing what [traditions] you want to keep and what new rituals you want to create. This is how a unique family culture is forged, where the new doesn't erase the old but transforms it into something shared instead."

When the new couple has a child together, does the atmosphere improve among the other children?

"It really depends. A shared child can act as a unifying point, but also as a catalyst for new tensions if the other children feel they are not receiving the same love or attention. The key is to ensure that there are no dynamics of favouritism or inequality, and to make sure all the children in the blended family - yours and your partner's - feel that they have a unique and valuable place in this new family.

"This becomes a bit more complicated when the older children leave to go to stay with the other parent and sees that their new younger sibling always stays home. This tends to increase the usual jealousy that occurs with the arrival of a new child. It requires special attention to prevent them from feeling displaced. Prepare them beforehand and support them through their own adjustment process once the new member of the family arrives."

About the expert:

Rocío López de la Chica is co-founder of Creada and author of the Spanish-language non-fiction book, La familia Enlazada (The Blended Family).