While there is no official rule book to follow when it comes to planning a hen do, there is more unspoken etiquette involved than we might think. Putting together a guest list, deciding who to invite and who to leave at home, can cause chaos, especially if it involves family members. One question that often sparks debate is whether to include the mother of the bride and the mother-in-law. Is it a black mark against the bride if they leave their soon-to-be family out of their plans, or is it entirely up to personal taste? Should the mother of the bride be included even if some of the activities are definitely not parent-friendly? HELLO! consulted the experts on what exactly is expected when embarking on planning a hen do.
How hen dos have changed
Wedding culture in general has changed a lot over the decades and has become more personal to the engaged couple. It's less and less about sticking to tradition and more about creating a day that reflects the bride and groom's tastes. Hen dos are no different. They have come a long way from the traditional games and an afternoon of polite nibbles.
In today's culture, the hen do is as much about personal expression as celebration, and can range from a trip to a luxury spa and elaborate trips abroad to themed parties and festival-style experiences. The arrival of social media has upped the ante and has resulted in over-the-top style hen dos with plenty of photo opportunities so that they can be shared online. What was once a small gathering of close friends has evolved into a full-blown party and celebration of the bride's unique personality.
Is it normal not to invite your mum or mother-in-law?
Usually, deciding whether to invite older members of your family, especially the mothers on each side, is a personal decision and will depend on the individual circumstances. Every family is different and has different dynamics, so you may be able to anticipate the reaction of the mothers should they be left out of the equation.
Netflix series Bridgerton's on-set etiquette expert Laura Windsor explained to HELLO!: "Yes, it is socially acceptable to not invite your mum or mother-in-law to a hen do. Make sure they know in advance and be ready to organise a more low-key gathering with the older members of your circle to keep everyone happy."
She continued: "Many are also opting for more low-key, gift-free gatherings to offset money spent on the wedding gifts. To save on costs, many couples are also deciding to celebrate this occasion together."
Relationship therapist Nia Williams strongly agrees with Laura and went as far as to say: "Do not invite older members of the family to the hen do as this should really be a friends-only event and, depending on the age of the bride, may make the hen do too restricted and not fun."
© Getty ImagesWhen you should consider inviting them
Deciding whether to invite your mother or mother-in-law to a hen do can be a delicate balancing act. A good approach is to consider the vibe of the celebration and your relationship with each mother. If your mum or mother-in-law is fun-loving, sociable, and someone who genuinely enjoys a night out with friends, she would probably fit right into the party and add a special element to a bride-to-be's big night out.
It’s also worth thinking about the type of hen do you are planning. If it is more along the lines of a low-key dinner, spa weekend, or tame trip abroad, that could be the perfect environment to invite both mothers to come along.
When it’s perfectly fine to leave them off the guest list
On that same note of considering what type of event you are thinking of organising, wild nights out or themed parties might be better kept to the bridal squad, as it may be too intense for someone older, adding an air of pressure on the bride to make them feel comfortable. For example, if the celebration involves late nights or adult-themed games, the night is usually intended as a chance for the bride to let her hair down with her closest friends without worrying about family dynamics.
Keeping the guest list limited to friends only can also prevent any potential tension between the mother and the mother-in-law if they don't already have an amicable relationship, and ensures the focus stays on the bride’s enjoyment.
Nia suggested: "Do have an engagement party, afternoon tea party or even a spa break for all family members and friends separately so that everyone feels appreciated and valued. This will make up for the separate hen party so that everyone feels a sense of importance in the bride's life."
How to handle it politely (avoid hurt feelings)
Acknowledging the sensitivities in not inviting the mothers to your hen do will be important when delivering the news. Adding an explanation as to why you feel they may not enjoy it or promising another get-together that is more suited to them at another time could help to soften the blow.
For any bridesmaids struggling to navigate this issue, Laura offered some advice. She said: "It is perfectly acceptable nowadays to organise a hen do via a WhatsApp group rather than using traditional paper invitations, as it makes communication easier and more transparent. It's typically the maid of honour and the bridesmaids who organise hen dos.
"Always consult with the bride before finalising the guest list to avoid causing offence and to preserve harmony. The last thing the bride-to-be needs is to shift her attention from her big day to patching things up with friends and relatives."
© Getty ImagesWhat experts say about family expectations
More often than not, it is an expectation that causes the upset rather than a disregard for etiquette or rules. Therefore, it is important to understand what kind of expectations are harboured by family members when approaching this issue. Managing expectations will be key to minimising any fall out from your hen do's guest list.
Laura reminded brides: "There are no fast or hard rules; the important thing is to make sure that all involved are happy with the decisions made, to avoid embarrassment or offending others as much as possible. We can all make mistakes; the important thing is to patch things up quickly and effectively."
