Expert help for chronic complainers: how to stop exhausting everyone with your moaning

Have you ever thought about how much you complain throughout the day? It can almost be a reflex when we complain instinctively about things we don't like. Author and business coach Luis García Ruiz, whose Multiple Sclerosis diagnosis changed his outlook on life, explains that this natural response can evolve into a harmful habit, trapping us in a cycle of negativity and preventing us from finding solutions to our real problems. Here he explores why people complain so much and the physical toll it can take. He also answers the question: what alternatives are there to complaining?

What exactly is a complaint?

"[A complaint] captures a range of negative emotions, including pain, sorrow or resentment. At its core, complaining is a response to something we dislike or makes us uncomfortable.

"When we complain, we're acting out of frustration because our expectations haven't been met. It's a way of playing the victim. We're shifting the blame to someone or something else as a defense mechanism, rather than taking responsibility for our own role in a difficult situation."

Why do people complain so much?

"People who complain constantly are clearly unhappy, and some people use complaining as their go-to solution for every problem. Instead of trying to fix what's wrong, they spend all their time and energy moaning about it. It's a habit many of us learn as children; we tend to imitate the behaviours of our parents. So basically, complaining can be programmed into our lives."

© Getty Images

"Complaining is a way of avoiding responsibility. When we complain, we blame others or external factors for our unhappiness, making it seem like our well-being is completely out of our hands. We become victims of our own reality. Constant complaining becomes a lifestyle, and you create a prison for yourself."

What effects does complaining have on mood?

"There's a difference between sharing how you feel and raising a specific problem hoping to get some help, versus complaining about a situation without having any intention of trying to change it.

"When complaining becomes your default evert time you're uncomfortable, it becomes counterproductive, and even harmful to your health - psychologically, physically and socially."

"Complaining all the time leads your mind to always focus on what’s wrong, which can lead to a negative, self-critical mindset and lower your self-esteem. As I share in my first book, Start Living Now (Empieza a vivir ahora), I was a compulsive whiner before I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Complaining doesn't change anything, it just tells you that you don't like the way things are."

Does constant complaining affect personal relationships?

"Complaining can trap you in a negative cycle of feeling bad about yourself and your life. Chronic negativity can be exhausting for those around you."

© Getty Images

Why do some people complain more than others?

"Sometimes complaining about our problems starts out as just a way to make small talk, but then it becomes a habit. Judging people, judging ourselves, nitpicking for faults... complaining becomes our star topic of conversation. 

"We all complain sometimes - it's a way of expressing ourselves and letting off steam. Some people never stop complaining about how badly things are going for them, but it's actually because they feel misunderstood. When it becomes an everyday thing, though, you have to try to understand where your complaints are coming from and how it's impacting the people around you."

Does complaining too much have physical consequences?

"Some research suggests that constant complaining boosts your cortisol levels and puts your body in a situation similar to that of 'fight or flight'. So it basically puts us at the same type of risk as chronic stress. When the mind perceives a threat, which is what happens when we're incessantly reminding ourselves how bad things are, the body's stress response is activated. That's how complaining can make you physically and emotionally ill."

© Getty Images

Is there a difference between complaining and expressing a legitimate concern?

"When you complain you're essentially expressing an emotion, and that's better than suppressing it as long as you're not hurting anyone. We need to let off steam every once in a while. Complaining isn't inherently bad, but complaining all the time about things that don’t matter is. 

"Using a complaint occasionally to vent is fine, but anything you repeat constantly, whether a thought or a behaviour, can become a habit. Complaining isn't any different from adopting any other routine: the more you do it, the more automatic it becomes."

Are there alternatives to complaining?

"It's important to distinguish between a complaint and a claim. A complaint is often a way of deflecting blame and avoiding responsibility as a defence mechanism. [A claim] is an active step toward change; when there's something you don't like, you use it as a catalyst to get involved and try to fix the situation.

"Complaining doesn't have to be synonymous with weakness or bad manners if it’s constructive; if it provides alternatives or leads to looking for a solution.  It all comes down to how often you do it, what you say and how you say it.

"We can’t change everything that happens to us in our lives, but we can at least try to have some self-control and complain a bit less. We can try to be more grateful for the positive things and more constructive when we do complain. 

"By pausing and asking ourselves, 'What is the purpose of this complaint and what do I actually gain from it?', we can discover what we actually want. It's a key shift to go from complaining to practising gratitude. I encourage everyone to try not complaining for 24 hours. You may be surprised."