When we say 'yes' a lot, it is assumed that we are positive people and we put our friends first. With busy lives balancing work, friendships, romantic relationships, and for some, parenthood, many feel the pressure to take on more commitments that benefit those around us, but at some point, this can become overwhelming. Lots of people with the right intentions can become people pleasers, while for others, this need to please others can be a response to past trauma. While it is lovely to say 'yes' to those around us, doing things at our own cost can have a negative emotional impact over time.
Constantly prioritising the needs of others above your own doesn't necessarily make you the best friend, partner, colleague, or parent to those around you, and the temptation to inconvenience yourself or worse, disregard your own feelings entirely, can significantly increase over the Christmas period. To help break down why some people form this habit and how to establish firm but fair boundaries with those in your inner circle and beyond, we have enlisted two experts – Lisa McFarland, a life and relationship coach with seven years of experience, and Dr. Michael Swift, founder of Swift Psychology in Birmingham, who has worked as a psychologist for over 10 years.
© GettyWhat is people pleasing?
Dr Michael breaks it down simply, saying people pleasing is the urge to prioritise others’ comfort or approval over our own needs. "At its core, it's a strategy to maintain harmony and connection, something we all value as social beings," he adds. "For some, it develops early as a way to avoid conflict or win acceptance, and it can persist into adulthood even when it starts to cause harm. In moderation, kindness and flexibility are healthy; it's when they come at the expense of our wellbeing that the pattern becomes problematic."
The emotional toll of always saying 'yes'
Considering others at the expense of our own well-being can have a detrimental emotional toll. "Constantly agreeing to things can quietly drain us. It can leave us feeling resentful, unappreciated, or invisible - as though we're performing rather than participating in our own lives," the psychologist explains. "Over time, that can build into exhaustion or even burnout. The emotional strain comes from the internal conflict of wanting to be liked but needing rest, balance, and authenticity."
How to recognise when you're people pleasing (and why awareness matters)
© Getty ImagesYou may not be able to tell the difference between compromising and chronic people pleasing, but Dr Michael explains how you can spot the signs. "You might notice you apologise often, over-explain decisions, or replay conversations, wondering if you upset someone," he tells us. "These are clues that you're managing others' emotions more than your own. Awareness is powerful: once you start noticing the impulse to please, you can pause and ask, 'Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I'm afraid not to?' That simple reflection creates room for choice rather than habit."
Therapist tips for breaking the cycle
Lisa McFarland has gained over five years of experience in helping people manage their emotions, and she has some practical tips for breaking a people-pleasing cycle. "The key to breaking the cycle of people pleasing is creating space, a pause between the request and your response. That moment gives you time to check in with yourself before automatically agreeing," she says, offering an example: "You can do this by saying something like: 'Can I just double-check that date?' or 'There's something in my head about that week, can I confirm and get back to you?'. These small pauses buy you the time to consider: Do I genuinely want to do this? Will I be doing it with a happy heart?'
© Getty Images"If the answer is yes, that's wonderful, because you're acting from authenticity, not obligation," she adds. "But if it's no, it's perfectly okay to say, 'Thanks so much for thinking of me, but that doesn't suit me this time.' That's not selfish; it's self-respect. People actually respond positively to clarity and honesty."
How to say 'no' kindly and confidently
Further on that idea of saying 'no', Dr Michael recommends being warm, brief, and clear in your approach. "You don't need to over-justify or apologise. Confidence comes from remembering that boundaries don’t push people away; they allow relationships to feel safe and respectful for both sides," he says.
Why people pleasing often peaks around Christmas - and how to handle it
The festive season can be a perfect storm for people pleasing – and Lisa explains why. "We're busier, surrounded by family expectations, social invites, and cultural pressure to make everyone else happy. Saying 'yes' can feel easier in the moment than navigating guilt or potential disappointment," she says.
© Getty"I remember once being asked to bake 50 chocolate chip cookies for a Christmas fair. Without hesitation, I said, 'Of course!' even though I had no time. My friend beside me simply said, 'I'm too busy to bake, but I can donate £10 instead.' I was amazed. It was polite, clear, and kind, and everyone respected her for it," Lisa recalls.
"That experience taught me that setting boundaries doesn’t make you difficult; it makes you authentic. So this Christmas, pause before you agree to anything. Ask yourself, will this bring me joy, or just exhaustion? If it's the latter, give yourself permission to politely decline with warmth, honesty, and respect."
Learning to prioritise yourself without guilt
© Getty"Caring for yourself is not selfish; it's essential," Dr Michael insists. "When you rest, set limits, or protect your energy, you’re sustaining the version of you that others value most. I often remind clients that guilt isn't proof you’re doing something wrong, it's just a sign you’re breaking an old pattern. Over time, self-prioritisation becomes less about exclusion and more about balance."
