Throughout our lives, we all face frustrations, losses, difficulties, and various degrees of trauma. We're constantly being reminded that we live in a ever-changing world that escapes both our control and predictions.
Author and mindfulness expert Sylvia Comas argues that once we realise that suffering is inevitable, we're ready to embrace compassion as a necessity for life.
She defines it as a sensitivity to suffering - both your own suffering and that of others - along with a commitment to try to relieve or prevent it. But she's also keen to stress that developing compassion takes patience and practice.
The expert answers some of the most pressing questions about self-compassion, and how it means setting aside certain prejudices, understanding how to manage our emotions and making use of the valuable resources we already have within ourselves.
Do we live in a society that pressures us to be too demanding, perhaps even too harsh, with ourselves at times?
"Well, I don't know if society as a whole truly forces us into this, but certain contexts, cultures and systems certainly place a lot of pressure on individuals. Pressure to achieve certain results, to be successful, to earn a lot of money, or to look a certain way.
© Getty Images"For example, for my generation - I'll be turning 60 - professional women had to be a kind of superwoman, managing the dual burden of work and family life, doing everything 'perfectly.' And this really generated a great deal of self-demand and a way of relating to ourselves that was based on harshness and criticism rather than kindness and support. The problem is, as numerous scientific studies have shown, being too hard on ourselves will ultimately negatively affect our own health and performance."
Why do you think it's important to practise compassion, and what does it bring to our lives?
"Compassion is the ability to be sensitive to suffering - our own and that of others - coupled with a desire to do something to alleviate it. That's why compassion helps us respond more positively to suffering and manage it better. This is absolutely fundamental because suffering is an inherent part of the human experience. Every single person experiences it at some point in their existence. But there is growing scientific evidence that compassion not only alleviates suffering but also contributes to happiness."
"It's difficult to be truly compassionate with other people if you can't be compassionate with the person you spend the most time with: yourself"
You also suggest we must practise compassion both outwards and towards ourselves. But which is more challenging?
"One of the greatest discoveries I've made during my years of practising is that it's difficult to be truly compassionate with other people if you can't be compassionate with the person you spend the most time with: yourself."
Why do we sometimes find it so hard to manage our emotions?
"To a large extent, this has to do with the brain's own design, which allows for automatic reactions essential for survival - like running away from danger... For example, fear leads us to 'fight or flight' mode, and anger pushes us to confront.
"Managing emotions involves consciously recognising, accepting and regulating [our feeling] so that we not only express them appropriately, but also that we are able to act wisely and positively, for both ourselves and the people around us. And all of this needs to happen in real-time, as our emotions arise.
© Getty"The trouble is, we're often not conscious of what we're feeling - or if we are, we've already acted before we can filter emotions or reflectively assess whether the action we want to take is the best response in that moment. Better emotional regulation is one of the great benefits of practising mindfulness."
Is finding emotional balance essential for a more fulfilling life?
"Being able to maintain - or quickly recover - emotional balance is a good way to enjoy more comfort, calm and wellbeing in life. Everyone experiences difficult emotions at some point, but there's a problem when we find ourselves trapped or hijacked by them for a prolonged period."
Do you agree with those who say we are not designed to be happy?
"Evolutionary experts consider the human brain to be a complex survival organ, with properties that date back to prehistoric times and even long before the existence of the human species. For example, it possesses a threat detection system that allowed us to survive in very harsh and difficult environments in the past. This system leads us to flee or fight when faced with perceived dangers, even though most of the time now, these aren't matters of life or death.
© Getty Images"The brain changes with experience like no other organ, which has allowed us to learn and adapt to the constant changes in life. But evolution is such a slow process that our bodies and brains are always a little behind in their ability to grasp new circumstances and situations. And the world has changed a lot, and very quickly, especially over the last 100 years. There is a huge gap between the design of our brain, which essentially took shape when we were still living in caves as hunter-gatherers, and the lifestyle most people have today.
"To have wellbeing and happiness in life, it's essential to accept and embrace our own imperfections"
"For instance, we're not designed to eat fast food, to eat as much and as often as we do, to lead a sedentary life, to be constantly connected or to receive messages from our smartphones. Just think of all the stimuli and information an average person receives in a single day compared to what a person received 50 or 100 years ago…
"That's why, although the brain offers us immense possibilities, it doesn't always function in the right way. Our capacity to think about things that haven't happened yet can be a great source of discomfort and unhappiness. The good news is that we can learn to manage our brain, to train it to favour habits and patterns that are less toxic for us and more conducive to wellbeing. The practice of compassionate mindfulness offers a path to do this."
© Getty ImagesWhy do you think that, despite everything, some people still try to seek happiness at all costs?
"The desire to be happy is a normal and legitimate human aspiration. The problem is that people sometimes look for happiness in the wrong places or in ways that make it impossible to achieve it."
Is it also important to learn from our imperfections?
"In my experience, to have wellbeing and happiness in life, it's essential to accept and embrace our imperfections. As the famous song Leonard Cohen song goes: 'There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in.'...
"Human beings are imperfect, vulnerable. We make mistakes, we commit errors, but most of the time we're doing the best we can each moment. The path of kindness and compassion invites us to accept ourselves as we are and, above all, to appreciate and love ourselves.
© Getty Images"That doesn't mean being self-indulgent or not taking responsibility for what we do wrong. On the contrary, it means having the intention to bring the best version of ourselves to the world, observing ourselves consciously but without judgement. This allows us greater clarity and more wisdom."
You place a lot of importance on mindfulness. How can we practise it?
"Present moment awareness, or mindfulness, is essential in the process of developing kindness and compassion...[It's] s a way of being present in life, living fully and not on autopilot - which is what we do practically half the time, as a famous Harvard University study demonstrates. It's a simple and very powerful concept, although it's not easy, as anyone who has tried to stop and intentionally pay sustained attention to the present moment for a few minutes can attest... At the beginning, it involves dedication and discipline - a bit like doing physical exercise."
"'Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.' Compassionate mindfulness helps us to live more fully"
So, in your experience, how can mindfulness improve our personal lives?
"Mindfulness can be considered a great friend for life, as it opens our consciousness to life as it truly is. By opening our senses, we become more aware of the natural beauty of things: the singing of birds, the aroma of freshly brewed coffee, the kind gesture of a fellow traveller... It helps us to understand ourselves better and see our lives more clearly...
"With kindness and compassion, we’ll be able to remain present and handle even the most difficult and painful situations with wisdom - those moments that would otherwise throw us off balance and cause us to suffer. As one meditation master said: 'Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.' Compassionate mindfulness helps us to live more fully."
About the expert:
Sylvia Comas is author of the Spanish-language book Mindfulness with Heart (Mindfulness Con Corazón), a step-by-step guide that combines the practice of mindfulness with the path of compassion to cultivate an attitude of care and kindness towards ourselves and others.
