When my husband and I brought our baby girl home from the hospital in May, we were flooded with well-meaning messages of support and friends asking us what we needed. As someone who is uncomfortable with asking for help, I would always reply with, 'We're all good, thank you!' rather than say: 'Actually, we are out of milk' or 'We've run out of bin bags.'
I was so exhausted and sleep-deprived that every decision felt like an impossible task, and even with an empty fridge and a hungry tummy, I could not decide what I wanted, let alone ask someone to bring it.
The absolute greatest gift we received was friends who would drop by with a home-cooked meal, a loaf of bread or a hot coffee. Family who would come and sit on my sofa for hours just so I felt like I wasn't doing it alone. The people who really wanted to and were able to help always found a way to, and as a new mum, you never forget the gratitude you felt at that moment for the people who showed up.
© InstagramAs someone who became a first-time mum this year, this is what I want people to know about supporting new parents
1. We don't have a village!
Having your first baby can be overwhelming and isolating, and as much as we all know that 'it takes a village', having a village isn't the reality for most people.
As a society, we have become completely disconnected; whether that be due to living far apart, having demanding schedules or simply feeling overwhelmed with life. This has led to an endemic amongst first-time mothers who are entering this precious, vulnerable time feeling lonely and detached, with no sign of a village in sight.
2. We need help – even if we don't say so
What a post-partum mum really needs is help. Help with the baby, help with the house, help with her recovery and help her feel seen and supported. Your desire to support her at a time when she needs it most is the greatest gift you can give a new mother.
© Shutterstock / Ilona Kozhevnikova3. Don't worry if you have no experience with babies
Having no experience with babies means you're in exactly the same boat as a first-time mum! As someone who has very recently had their first baby, I can confirm that it's rarely the baby itself that needs said village, but the mother. A new mum is so busy, and all consumed keeping this tiny little person alive, that she often forgets to take care of herself.
When she is in the depths of the newborn weeks, sleep-deprived and trying to help her body heal, tasks like unloading the dishwasher and putting the laundry on can feel impossible. Never mind carving out time to shower, cook a nourishing meal or enjoy a hot coffee.
© Shutterstock / Ilona KozhevnikovaThis is exactly where you can step in. You can help her around the house, drop off some groceries or just sit on the sofa and watch TV with her while the baby snoozes. If her partner has returned to work after the first couple of weeks, she will probably be so grateful for the company, as a solo day with a newborn can suddenly feel very long when you've had no sleep! You don't need to worry about having no experience with babies, as she will figure all that stuff out pretty quickly. Instead, you can focus your efforts on nurturing your sister and helping her with things that might feel small, but will mean so much to an exhausted, newly post-partum mum.
4. Be patient
Your first baby becomes completely all-consuming and means that things like replying to messages or making plans can slip down the priority list. So here, your patience truly is a virtue.
If you really want to help and show your support but aren't sure exactly how, here are some ideas of messages you can send:
- I'm running to the shop this afternoon, can I get you some dinner?
- I made some extra food; can I drop a portion off with you?
- I'm free all morning, can I pop over and make you tea? I have nowhere to be, so can come and sit with you for an hour?
- I know you have a lot going on, can I take something off your plate this week?
- I'm grabbing coffee on my way to work, can I drop one on your doorstep?
- I don't have plans this weekend, I could come and spend the day with you and help get stuff done or just hang with you?
- No pressure to reply – just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you
- You're doing an amazing job and I’m so proud of you
Help, love and support come in so many forms, and just simply showing up and being there for the new mum is the greatest gift she can ask for.
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