It's a term thrown around on plenty of reality dating shows and has firmly cemented itself as a leading term in pop culture, but what actually is gaslighting and how do you know if you have fallen victim to it? According to the Oxford Dictionary, to gaslight someone is to "make somebody believe untrue things in order to control them, especially that they have imagined or been wrong about what has really happened". Like with everything, there are varying degrees of gaslighting and everyone's experience with the phenomenon is different. HELLO! spoke to a number of experts to discover the true meaning of the relationship buzzword and to learn how to catch a gaslighter before we get burned.
What does gaslighting mean?
To put it simply, gaslighting is a form of manipulation that occurs in a relationship between two people. American dictionary, Merriam-Webster, voted the term its word of the year in 2022 and outlined the effects being gaslit has on a person. It said that it "causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator".
Sofie Roos, a licensed relationship therapist and author at Passionerad, told HELLO!: "It often starts with small harmless comments, such as 'you’re overreacting', or 'no that’s not how it was, you remember it wrong', but with time, it easily escalates to a phase where you actually start doubting your own memory, your feelings and eventually your own self-image."
The expert outlined what a gaslighter is after - "control". She explained: "They take that by twisting the reality, denying things they’ve said or done, blaming others or by making you feel guilty for something you haven’t done."
Why is it called gaslighting?
The term "gaslighting" actually originates from a play. Written by Patrick Hamilton in 1938, Gas Light was later adapted into films in the UK in 1940 and in the US in 1944. The play and the films tell the story of a husband who subtly manipulates his wife into questioning her own sanity. To do this, he used techniques such as dimming the gas lights in their home and insisting she was imagining it. Over time, as the idea filtered its way into mainstream culture, the dramatic scenario inspired the dating term “gaslighting” to describe a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes another person to doubt their own reality and experiences.
Relationship expert and Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating agent Anna Williamson explained to HELLO!: "This example shows that gaslighting involves someone distorting reality. It's distorting someone's perception and throwing them into a state of confusion where they start to doubt themselves. So essentially, in its purest form, it's emotional manipulation. It's subtle."
How to spot a gaslighter and what to do if you find one?
© Getty ImagesDue to the coercive control and chipping away at an individual's self-esteem, spotting that this is happening is harder than it sounds. Sofie revealed: "Gaslighting is difficult to spot, because it often happens systematically and tends to fly under the radar as it’s a form of long-term manipulation, but if you start to feel confused, unsure or unseen by them, then they’re checking the red flags."
If you feel you are in a relationship with a gaslighter, the best thing to do is to trust your gut and trust your intuition. If something feels off, then chances are, it probably is. "A good first thing is to put words to how you’re feeling. Write down what’s happening, such as situations that make you feel weird or when you’re doubting yourself, so you can go back and check your own reality - that can help you spot the patterns," Sofie advises.
Claire Rénier, relationship expert at real-life dating app happn suggests: "There are a few signs that your partner is gaslighting you - such as constantly invalidating or denying your opinions, experiences and feelings to the extent that you frequently feel unheard or unseen. If you find yourself always apologising and questioning your reactions, this could be a sign that your partner is flipping the situation to put you in the wrong. They may also isolate you from your friends and family, meaning that you can’t sense-check your relationship with your support system and instead grow solely dependent on your partner."
The expert shared her advice on what to do if someone feels they are being gaslit: "I’d recommend speaking to a friend or family member to get their outside opinion. Run them through both your perception of events and what your partner has responded with, as this may help you both to identify any manipulative patterns. If your partner dismissing your feelings has undermined your ability to depend upon them for love and support, it’s best to give yourself space from the relationship, even if this means ending it."
© Getty ImagesAnna also weighed in and revealed her tips for spotting a gaslighter: "A gaslighter will often completely rewrite situations, scenarios and history, twist things, deny things ever happened and essentially erase what the concerns are that you have. Gaslighters isolate. They want you to depend on them more and they will have more issues with you wanting to socialise, spend time with loved ones, family and friends."
She added: "They will have more issue with you leading an independent life. They will want you to be more dependent on them. They want to create what we call co-dependency. Gaslighters will weaponise confusion and they will make you doubt yourself, essentially. It’s a problem because it can really play into your self-esteem and essentially your sanity.Taking it back to the woman in the movie, she ended up going insane."
Is gaslighting illegal?
While deeply upsetting and harmful, in the UK, gaslighting as a term is not listed as an illegal offence in law; however, the underlying behaviours that are exercised when someone is being manipulated can be deemed illegal. Since the enactment of the Serious Crime Act 2015, specifically Section 76, the offence of "controlling or coercive behaviour" in intimate or family relationships has been known to carry a maximum penalty of up to five years’ imprisonment.
According to legal firm Simpson Miller, there have been cases that have listed and recognised the term "gaslighting" in legal judgments to describe forms of coercive behaviours, paving the way for the term to receive further legitimacy in both family law and criminal contexts.
Outside the UK, while the term itself is widely used in conversations about emotional and psychological abuse, it is not yet recognised in legislation. In many jurisdictions, the behaviour of a gaslighter may fall under laws on domestic violence, psychological abuse or coercive control. While the term is yet to be adopted widely in the legal sphere, its concepts and the behaviour associated with it are increasingly being treated as serious abuse.
If this article resonates with you and you feel you may be in a controlling relationship, you can seek professional help by contacting the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 or visiting Refuge or Women's Aid online.
