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Nicole Kidman dishes on emotional aftermath of Tom Cruise divorce and what led to finding love with Keith Urban

The Big Little Lies alum recalled 'struggling' during her 2003 Oscar win following her split from the Mission Impossible star

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman attend a special screening of "Expats" at Palace Verona on December 20, 2023 in Sydney, New South Wales
Beatriz Colon
Beatriz Colon - New York
Online News WriterNew York
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Nicole Kidman isn't afraid to show just how stark of a contrast there can be between Hollywood's glitz and glam, and what's really going on away from the cameras.

In a candid conversation for Dave Karger's forthcoming book 50 Oscar Nights, out on January 23, the Big Little Lies alum reflected on how one of her biggest career achievements, winning an Academy Award, came at one of the lowest points in her personal life.

The Oscar-winning actress was first nominated for an Oscar in 2002 for her role in Baz Luhrmann's Moulin Rouge, though her first win came the following year for her portrayal of Virginia Woolf in The Hours.

WATCH: Keith Urban talks nearly two decades of marriage to Nicole Kidman

At the time, Nicole was still reeling from her 2001 split from Tom Cruise, who she had married in 1990, and together they had adopted kids Connor, 28, and Isabella, 31.

Recalling the bittersweet moment she won for Best Actress, she confessed to the book's author: "I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well."

She then noted she wasn't "a big party girl," and wanted to opt out of the famed Vanity Fair after party, but remembered people telling her: "You've got to go. You've got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award."

Nicole Kidman with her Best Actress Oscar for The Hours at the 2003 Academy Awards© Getty
Nicole with her Best Actress award in 2003

Nicole continued: "I said, 'That just feels like gloating, and it doesn't feel humble.' Like, what? You can't walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They're like, 'That's what you do.'"

MORE: Nicole Kidman rocks natural curls for solo trip without daughters and husband Keith Urban

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She ultimately did attend, but further recalled: "I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn't enjoy it. I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid," before admitting: "I wish I could have enjoyed it more."

Nicole Kidman arriving at the Vanity Fair post Oscars party held at the Morton's restaurant in Los Angeles on 05/02/2003© Getty
The actress at the famed VF after party

It wasn't long before she headed home and "ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel" with her family, of which she now wrote: "I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight," declaring: "If I ever won again, I'm telling you, I'd be out for 24 hours."

Regardless of the bittersweet night, the moment did lead to a reality check about her love life, and Nicole went on: "I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed. That's when it hit me. I went, 'I need to find my love; I need a love in my life.' Because this is supposed to be when you go, 'This is ours.'"

Nicole Kidman leaves her Darling Point home with her father on her way to her wedding to Keith Urban, 25 June 2006© Getty
The Oscar winner on the way to her wedding to Keith

Two years later, Nicole met her husband of 17 years, Keith Urban, after meeting at a G'Day USA gala in Los Angeles.

MORE: Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman look besotted during loved-up reunion in Sydney – see photo

NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE - NOVEMBER 08: Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman attend the 57th Annual Country Music Association Awards at Bridgestone Arena on November 08, 2023 in Nashville, Tennessee. (Photo by John Shearer/Getty Images for CMA)© Getty
The pair have been married for almost 20 years

The pair announced their engagement in May of 2006, and tied the knot with a fairy tale ceremony the following month in Sydney's beachside suburb of Manly.

They welcomed their first daughter together, Sunday Rose, 15, in July of 2008, followed by Faith Margaret, 13, in December of 2010.

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